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May 20, 2011 / allyo

Reclaiming my waistline

I’ve been struggling with my appearance for awhile now. It’s been more than a year since I’ve exercised regularly. Turning 40 hasn’t helped – the changes in my face aren’t just related to weight but to age (and currently stress and sleeplessness but we’ve already covered that).

There’s a lot of emotional baggage hanging around my waistline that goes back to childhood and my mom’s struggles and my grandma’s attitude that physical appearance was akin to moral superiority. If you were fat, you were weak. The only solution was to “just loose” the weight. In her case even if it mean smoking and destroying your lungs to keep your weight down. I’ve always been aware of the fact that my weight is a form of defiance and a declaration of independence from my grandma. But I’m 40 now, and she’s dead and my mom’s dead and it’s long past time for me to decide what’s important to ME and how I achieve that happiness.

I’ll never, ever diet again. I’ll never apologize for what I eat. I went to the doctor recently because I’ve had terrible heartburn and bloating that’s been getting steadily worse for a year now and I HATED the doctor I saw. (My reg doc was unavailable that week.) We talked a bit but she mostly focused on the fact that my weight HAD to be a contributing factor, along with my diet, no matter me telling her that the heartburn came and went regardless of what I ate. And sure, my weight could be a contributing factor, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t something else going on and it doesn’t give the doctor an out.

Anyway, she told me to cut back on spicy and fatty foods and I was really pissed off for awhile because OF COURSE she assumed that I ate a lot of fatty foods and then yesterday it hit me. Yes, yes I do eat fatty foods. Mostly good fats, but I also eat bacon and cheeseburgers as the mood strikes me. And there’s not a damn thing wrong with that in the context of everything else I eat.

I was able to grab a cheap set of Zumba classes from one of those online group coupon companies and I went to my first class last night. I’ve done hard core aerobics before and I loved it, plus I love latin music and have a decent sense of rhythm. I enjoyed the class as much as I thought I would but I was WINDED after the first ten minutes of “warm ups.” That’s where my own personal responsibility comes and and it has nothing to do with what I eat and everything to do with the fact that I’ve become almost 100% sedentary. Back at my old job I walked almost daily with a coworker and that 30 minutes at lunchtime functioned a lot like marching band in high school in that it kept my weight stable without me realizing it and when it went away the weight started to pile up.

I can accept that my body will always have heavy legs and my face will droop as I get older and my arms are saggy. But I finally decided that I draw the line at my waist. I’ve always had a well-defined waist, regardless of how much I weighed. I’ve spent almost all my life as a classic pear shape but in the last 6 years have morphed into an avocado and I don’t like it.  I think this is a reasonable goal and has nothing to do with the scale and everything to do with what I think is ideal for my body. Let operation reclaim waistline begin!

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2 Comments

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  1. MystikMomma / May 20 2011 2:21 pm

    BRAVA! I need that operation to show up here! I am the heaviest I have been without a baby inside of me. When we met that translates to 25 lbs! UGH… remember how I ate gelato every day that summer… with crema on top? Yeah and I lost weight… go figure! Those hills and daily walks to the mensa helped out big time and all that night time activity… “cough”

  2. Dawn / May 22 2011 8:07 pm

    Good for you! If you ever want to walk, we can all go through the park. We can hoof it…the kids can bike! Also, let’s make walking in the lazy river a rest-period habit this summer!

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