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March 3, 2011 / allyo

The most valuable question my most recent therapist asked me was, “why the avoidance behavior?” I was telling her about a situation that had, for mundane reasons, spiraled out of control to the point that I couldn’t even open a folder to begin working through some paperwork so I could resolve things without suffering a panic attack. (No, not the house, although this is why MD handles all house stuff.)

The question allowed me to stop beating myself up long enough to actually walk through the situation with her and then, when back at home, resolve it.

So after my last post, I asked myself, why am I avoiding doing things like cleaning or rearranging furniture? Fear, of course. Not just of losing the house, but losing this happy, comfortable life I’ve find myself living.

That’s a big answer, so I asked myself another question, one with a simple answer. How does perpetuating chaos protect me from these potential losses? The answer is, of course, it doesn’t, and the chaos just feeds the anxiety and depression. So then, how do I get unstuck?

I’m going to start small. I’m going to have MD help me move a bookcase tonight.

I read that sentence and I roll my eyes at myself. But this is living with GAD.

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2 Comments

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  1. Mystik Momma / Mar 3 2011 7:01 pm

    Oh I understand this. I have small little projects all around me that have taken on an ominous tone…. I don’t want to do them as if I am punishing them for needing to be done. Of course all that is accomplished is me still looking at this things… and I get that sinking feeling. Why don’t I do them, I am overwhelmed I think. I am not making the most use of my time, I procrastinate.. I think my brain is too scattered… I am trying to make do with what I have and find ways to be creative with money and you know what, there is no more left to help me organize like I want to in my head. So the money has run out and now I am frozen and it is just too much.

    Blabbering.. yes, but frozen none-the-less. I get it, I understand it and wish you the best in moving your bookcase. I also think the weather and seasonality of where we are right now certainly aids this “frozen” feeling… as if we have had enough and desperately need life, movement again…

    Big hug and wish we were able to come down next week with hubbie on his work thing. But he did ask and he was advised to NOT do that. So hopefully gas prices will chill out and we can come down like planned end of April looks pretty good for us. Sorry to take such space on your post. Big hugs to you, I love you and admire the work you do every day on being the best person you can. It is tough work, but it is real and necessary for us to live an actualized life.

  2. LittleWit / Mar 6 2011 8:39 pm

    It’s amazing how accomplishing one small thing can snow ball into getting a lot of things accomplished. Trying to get a handle on the amount of stuff around me is on my list of things to do this year. 🙂

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