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January 8, 2010 / allyo

Loyalty and Jealousy

This post at Dawn’s reminded me of the period of time when MD and I were engaged and my mom and I were really trying to make a go of it. This good time lasted until my grandma’s health started to decline and ended with a bang when Jamie was about a year old.

Anyway, my grandma had always been careful to not intrude or get in the way with my relationships with both my mom and my dad & stepmom. With my mom that was disastrous because she was unreliable and had poor judgment. It was good with my dad and stepmom though and I never felt conflicted about loving them and my grandparents equally. I did daydream about living with my dad and stepmom but that’s another post.

But like always, when my mom was added to the equation, things got messy. And during this time when MD were planning our wedding I really wanted to be a normal girl with a normal family and a normal mother/daughter relationship and because my mom just happened to be there at the time I focused on her. I didn’t know how to be close to her and my stepmom at the same time and my relationship with my stepmom suffered.

My dad and my stepmom (K, let’s call her) said some really stupid, hurtful things at the time as well and there was a lot of crap hanging out in the air after the wedding. My stepmom and I were able to talk through it but I’ve never told my dad how much he hurt me (also another post).

I wish someone had told me it was ok to have both my mom and K equally in my life. I used to wish my mom would just disappear, partly because my loyalties would be less divided. Two moms I could handle, three was just too much. To this day K and I are not as close as we were when I was growing up and now that my mom and my grandma are gone, she’s all I have.

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