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November 7, 2009 / allyo

Moving to the other side

I just had a conversation with Jamie about Cory that was prompted by a) his incredibly surly mood even after – finally! – a full night’s sleep, his first since the time change, and b) the fact that he was clutching this framed picture of Cory that he had asked to be printed and framed in the first place. I asked if he was missing Cory and he said  yes and we talked about how much we all missed him and what specifically we missed. His answers: “because he was my friend,” and “hugging him.” With his big ruff around his neck, hugging Cory was like hugging no other dog and burying my face in his fur is one thing I miss as well.

We talked a little more about the vet coming over, and he still didn’t quite understand why we euthanized Cory so I talked more about cancer and how it makes your body not work very well and how his arthritis was getting so bad that his body hurt everywhere, all the time, and that medicine couldn’t help anymore (ooh, just occurred to me that we may want to talk about how, while MD’s body hurts all the time, the vet won’t be coming over for him anytime soon). I also told him that he could always talk to me about things that were making him sad, and how that was a better choice than just being grumpy because if he didn’t tell me what was wrong I couldn’t help him. Kind of like the pre-K version of, “I can’t read your mind you know!” Then we looked at Cory’s puppy album and now he’s watching Diego, which he seems to do when he’s sick or needing something familiar.

I had a dream about Cory the other night. I was down in the basement and he was just hanging out in the corner, waiting for me. He was  young again and I was like, “THERE you are!” and I petted him and it was very nice. I have still been struggling with the actual act of euthanizing him. I’ve been getting a panic attack every time I think about the vet injecting the anesthesia into his leg, but I think I am working through it. I am now able to see just how sick and uncomfortable he was now that we’re a week out. We’ve been reminiscing and looking at old pictures and my heart breaks a little for the happy, active, healthy dog he once was. MD and I have been supportive and kind to each other and we are coming through this as a family. However, Jamie mentioned my grandma o this morning as someone else he missed, and I do have to say, this saying goodbye thing is getting a little old. Motto for 2010? Let’s all stay alive!

This is our first low key Saturday in a long time and now that I’m not a) cleaning up dog pee and b) jumping every time I hear a noise that remotely sounds like liquid hitting the floor (you’d be surprised how many things sound like this once you’re on the alert) and c) letting Cory out every 20 minutes so I don’t have to deal with a) – well, I’m cleaning other things. It’s amazing how well I can see the other dirt that’s just been waiting for my attention. The last 2 weeks Cory was with us I was incredibly stressed out about the state of things around here and earlier this week I looked at the carpet cleaner that had been out at the ready for days and realized I could put it away. What bittersweet relief.



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  1. Dawn / Nov 7 2009 11:05 am

    This made me sad to read but I’m glad you all are getting through to the other side. To quote your blog (!) there are so many good things coming your way in 2010. You’ve had so much shit this past year but so much of it is over (starting with your boss!) and you’ve worked so hard not to let it all get to you. Here’s hoping that you’ll get to coast more for 39 — lord knows you deserve a break!!!

  2. LittleWit / Nov 8 2009 8:54 pm

    2009 has been a rough year hasn’t it? It’s good to see Jamie is progressing through the grieving process and is able to communicate it to you. *hugs*

  3. Stanford Patenaude / Dec 26 2009 10:27 am

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