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May 2, 2009 / allyo

Better living through medication

It’s been a few months now since MD and I both started on anti-depressants, and the change around here has been remarkable.  What is interesting to me is how two different types of medication have worked to even out our personalities and interactions.

I respond to stress by getting anxious.  The more stress, the more agitated I become. This comes out in yelling, crying, and being so tense that any input – good or bad – can make me snap at the poor soul that dared invade my space. My mind constantly races in an effort to come up with a solution or a fix for what is making me anxious.

MD on the other hand responds to stress by shutting down emotionally and physically. Even his speech changes. And the more anxious I get, the more he withdraws at home until he finally explodes in a fit of temper. He used to go out drinking behind my back to cope with the stress just as I used to go shopping but we’ve gotten past those behaviors after years of therapy and working really hard at it.

I guess it was knowing that we had worked so hard for so long and were still caught in a cycle of behavior that negatively impacted not just our relationship with each other but our relationships outside the home and obviously weren’t healthy for Jamie to witness. When he told me over Christmas last year that I HAD to go back on something, I told him the same thing – that it was time for him to try something as well. And so I went back on z0l0ft at a higher dose with x@n@x for the worst panic attacks. I’m happy to say that I use x@n@x rarely now but have no qualms about taking one the minute I feel myself spiraling out of control. I’ve found a good balance.

MD is on w*llbutrin, and the effects were immediate and dramatic. He’s once again the guy I fell for *gulp* 16 years ago. His wonderful sense of humor is back, he actually does stuff around the house, and perhaps the most important thing, his temper is under control. Neither of us is walking on eggshells anymore, and instead of holding each other hostage to our expectations of one another, which are always disappointed, we’re once again the loving, spontaneously caring couple that so many of our friends remember us as.

Ages and ages ago when we were in therapy I remember our therapist saying that marriage should be good about 90% of the time. That while marriage was hard work, we should generally be happy together. We’ve seen glimpses of that life together in the intervening years, but now if feels like we’re finally there. I have no qualms about expecting both of us to be on medication forever if it means we can finally get down to the business of living.

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2 Comments

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  1. dawn / May 3 2009 8:55 pm

    I’m so glad you guys are having a better year than last year, my god. Lord knows you deserve it!!!

    What are you noticing re., sun now that your pine tree is down?

  2. LittleWit / May 18 2009 12:49 pm

    I am glad to hear it’s helping! 🙂

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