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March 8, 2009 / allyo

Rambly Sunday morning

Yesterday was the most beautiful day. Sunny, 70s. Just right for finally cleaning up at least 3-4 months of dog poop in the back yard! The back of my legs are sore from bending over and picking up three bags’ worth, and I think there’s a bag left to go. But today it is raining and then it’s getting cold again, so it’ll have to wait until next weekend.  I’ve been getting such a literal charge out of being outside and getting a little exercise the last few days that it’s been difficult for me to go to bed at night. Which works really well on daylight savings day. Jamie came in our room at 6:30 real time/7:30 dsl and asked my why my light was on and the radio alarm was going off. He was visibly confused when I told him it was time to get up because hello? The sun? Still sleeping. So I explained dsl the best I could and used the excuse of snuggling a little to stay in bed for 20 more minutes.

MD works early on Sundays and I had to call him and nag over the phone just now. He has an aversion to changing the trash bag in the kitchen and will often use his hip or his knee as an excuse but really? C’mon, it’s a 5 lb bag of trash. I think it’ll be ok. Anyway, when it’s full instead of changing it he shoves stuff down until it’s bursting and the trash bag is pushed down and it’s a big mess. This morning was worse than usual and there is a sloshy, nasty, stinking mess at the bottom of the trash can. Right now it’s sitting outside to destink a little before I tackle it this afternoon. He usually thinks it’s funny when I CALL him to nag, but with his schedule, do I really have a choice? No, I don’t and besides, he remembers better when he gets a phone call. It’s a little harder harder to tune me out that way.

Speaking of his schedule, he was actually scheduled to work yesterday and didn’t have a day off until Weds. Apparently that was the last straw and he marched up to his executive chef and told him that while he hadn’t complained about not having Fridays off anymore, Saturday was non-negotiable, especially yesterday because I had a work meeting to go to. Plus, it was his only day with his kid. They changed it and I’m so glad he said something because that would have been the breaking point for all of us. Right now the two things that keep us all from going crazy is that MD is off on Saturdays and is home for dinner on Sundays. I just keep my eyes on the checking account, grateful that he’s putting something in. Because as we were reminded three times last year, unemployment sucks. And the projections that it will get above 10% before it goes back down again? Crazy scary. My brother was born in 1981 and my dad lost his job when he was just a few months old. My memory is fuzzy because I was 11 but I’m pretty sure he was unemployed for two years, save for random odd jobs like working at a Christmas tree lot.  He finally started his own business and has been doing that ever since. But when they say that we haven’t seen unemployment like this in 20, 25 years that’s what I think about. I wasn’t even living with them but I was old enough to understand how scary it was.

AND, speaking of employment, the working mom thing? I just don’t like it. It’s not fullfilling. It’s not the best of both worlds, and I’m going to stop thinking that if I could just do THIS or THAT it would be better. It’s not going to be better, it sucks, but it is what I have to do. I accepted that a long time ago, I just thought that eventually I’d get my groove. I dream about what the future would hold instead, and we would love to work toward a place where MD was the breadwinner and I could work part time or consult instead. But accepting that I don’t want to be the breadwinner, that I don’t want the pressure of being the one with the steady income and the insurance is part of that journey. And also, realizing that it’s not daycare, that it will not be better when Jamie is in school is another piece of that. This is not how I’d like to live the rest of my life. I guess it’s partly the entreprenurial spirit that I get from my dad’s family. Of he and his three siblings, three are either in business for themselves or have a spouse who is. I’d like to see what it’s like.

Ok, Jamie is insisting that we go to church, so I’d better get cracking since the clock is telling me it’s 9:30. Yawn.

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2 Comments

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  1. Lisa in Brisbane / Mar 8 2009 7:42 pm

    Hi, Couldn’t agree more with you about the working-mother-thing being so difficult. I keep telling myself it’s going to improve but it just doesn’t…I’m glad it’s not just me that thinks this, I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me as everyone else seems to effortlessly juggle it all. Now I think they just don’t tell the truth!!

  2. MystikMomma / Mar 9 2009 9:27 pm

    Well, I tried to do it and hated it and just found myself living two lives… the one that worked… and the one that was a mommy. I was lucky to have some flexibility, but once V came along, that was it, I needed time off and due to my longing for it, the Universe granted me time off alright!

    I don’t have any words of encouragement beyond the fact that you just need to do what you do. Working for yourself is also not easy and usually requires more stress, time and pressure. At least that is what I see from my family of self employed businesses. You need to find work you love and make the time spent with Jamie precious.

    Like you didn’t know that already? Ah… sorry you are not happy. I do know that feeling and I just wish you could have some time to spend on your terms as a mommy. But for now, you are needed to do what you do and that is a blessing too. Life is not easy…. surely not.

    Hugs

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