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February 4, 2009 / allyo

Not an uplifting post

I ran across a note from my mom the other day. Her familiar handwriting was shaky and it was during the time after my grandma’s death when her own health finally gave out in a big way and she was moving around different health care facilities. She never called me during this time but she sent me cards and notes with regular updates. It was like she finally recognized and respected my need for a little space. Anyway, it started out “Hi Honey” which is how every note and phone call started. I can still hear her saying it.

The last time we talked was last June. She called me, and I remember we talked about how busy I was at work, and she sympathized, recognizing that I always was this time of year. We had just found out about my grandma o’s cancer, and I remember her saying, “Oh honey, I am so, so very sorry.” Two months later, she was dead.

In the time between that last phone call and the call from her roommate telling me that she was in the hospital, I was thinking – almost constantly – about her and I, and whether we could truly build something real. It seemed as though she was willing to give me plenty of time and space to figure this out, and I thought I had all the time in the world.

I didn’t, and right now I’m feeling a little beat up by life. Things that I can’t blog about, but the constant doom and gloom about layoffs and the economy isn’t helping.  And I miss having a mom. It probably doesn’t matter, she probably wouldn’t have risen to the challenge, but I’ll never know.

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5 Comments

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  1. MystikMomma / Feb 4 2009 7:49 pm

    One BIG HUG! This is all I can say.

  2. LittleWit / Feb 4 2009 9:39 pm

    Big hugs. I hope that whatever is beating you up stops soon and that things get easier.

  3. bmiad / Feb 5 2009 7:57 pm

    Big hugs from me too–that all sounds terribly hard. Grief is so messy and draining, especially when it feels like there was something unfinished. I know what you mean about the gloom and doom everywhere–it adds to all the personal stuff, doesn’t it? What we’re losing now, though, is what was unsustainable, and we have a chance, at this point in history to build something real. There’s also a sense of solidarity that can be worth embracing. I hope it gets better for you soon.

  4. Jody / Feb 19 2009 5:24 pm

    I’m sorry. I hope the other stuff lets up on you soon.

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