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December 31, 2008 / allyo

Bite Me 2008

It’s New Year’s Eve? Huh, it doesn’t feel like it. I keep thinking it’s tomorrow. I worked today for about 3.5 hours and now I’m all tired and stuff because with MD and I both off the past week and a half we’ve all been sleeping later…and later…and holy cow, it was 8:30 Sunday before Jamie woke us up. So 6:15 seemed extra early today.

MD and I being off together hasn’t been as fun as either of us imagined. Harsh words have been said. Greviences have been aired on both sides. I’ve been told in no uncertain terms that I can’t be lived with unless I go back on some sort of anti-depressent/anxiety medication. I’ve moaned about MD’s lack of communication and freaked out about insignificant things (and a couple significant ones) because my stomach! It is a constant twisted knot. Hence, thinking anxiety might be an issue.

I want to feel all hopeful and perky about the new year. But in reality, I’d like to go back to bed until it’s time for work again. Next Monday. I AM looking forward to dinner tonight. Steak and sparkling red wine, as has become our tradition. And tomorrow the knit gang is coming over for a potluck. I’m really looking forward to that although the anxiety is humming along at a low(ish) level as well.

But I still feel low. Down in the dumps. A bit mopey. I’ve been flying off the handle so much that I’m trying very hard to keep an even keel and instead have been zombified. Argh. All or nothing, that’s me.

I have been thinking about resolutions for next year. I need to come to terms with my mother issues. That may mean a return to therapy, which scares me. I need to follow my own advice and communicate with my husband better. Do you know I went of my antidepressent without telling him? I figured if he noticed and said something then I would know I needed them. Instead I’ve been slowly going cuckoo and he’s been chalking it up to all the stress this year and doing his best to keep me from losing it. Nice.

Um, I need to take friendship where it is being offered and let go – with love – of the relationships that are dying a natural death. I hang on to things long past their expiration date and used to consider it one of the better parts of my character. And I need to come to terms with MD’s work schedule, which will probably be as hellish as it was in November. That means 6-day weeks working nights, and working 8 a-8 p on Sundays. I want to cry just thinking of it but I need to figure out some baby sitting solutions and get on with my life.

I was talking on the phone a couple of months ago with a friend who commented that something needed to be done to put that “Ally spark” back in my voice. And here I thought I’ve been faking it so well. I want my joy back. I thought 2006 was bad. I thought I’d never have another year quite like it. And here I am, two years later, with my butt kicked and my tail between my legs. And – hopefully – no place to go but up.

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6 Comments

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  1. dawn / Dec 31 2008 3:25 pm

    Speaking of friendships, maybe coffee this upcoming weekend? Or perhaps a playdate over here on Friday?

  2. LittleWit / Dec 31 2008 3:55 pm

    I can’t wait for the potluck tomorrow! 🙂 I hope your 2009 looks up and that things get better.

  3. Laura / Dec 31 2008 7:44 pm

    I understand how you feel and wish you nothing but good things in 2009. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need or ashamed if you are struggling. Hugs!

  4. Monica / Dec 31 2008 10:18 pm

    I understand this all too well. I hope 2009 is easier and more joyful. XOXO

  5. bmiad / Dec 31 2008 11:32 pm

    I hear you, and I’m sorry. It’s been a rough couple of years in these parts too, even if I’m not always as honest in writing about it all. I struggle with anxiety too, and sometimes wonder if meds would help. Wishing us both a happier 2009.

  6. MystikMomma / Jan 1 2009 12:29 pm

    All I can say is I am here for you in whatever way I can be.

    I pulled a reading together last night and it was good energy to be one with the cards…. might help with the Ally Spark!

    FYI… The number 5 is your focus for the year.

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