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November 18, 2008 / allyo

I was very angry this morning

I was very angry this morning. The routine was going along nicely, the only hiccup being that Jamie was up early for the 2nd morning in a row. This basically means I don’t get a moment awake without him chattering at me incessantly but I was rolling with it. Then MD started feeling sick…when? I guess when I was in the shower. And next thing I know he’s puking and groaning and I’m ignoring him and getting ready for work. I have a meeting later today that’s been on my mind and I wanted to get to work on time for once and just focus. Then, at 8:25, he asks. Can I take Jamie to school?

I freaking LOST it. I am not an unsympathetic person, but I have driven downtown with a 102 degree fever to pick Jamie up, then driven home, fed him dinner, and put him to bed, all without help. MD has never come home to help when Jamie is sick – never, in 4 years, never. Yes, I hold this against him. No, it is not a nice thing to do. But when you’re talking about driving 10 minutes to daycare, 5 minutes there, and another 10 minutes back home? Give me a fucking break. Cry me a river. Take a bucket, get in your car, and take the kid. Yeah, I’m a bitch.

Thing is, for the past few days I have been thinking about how lucky I am. MD isn’t home much at all these days, but he is constantly asking me what I need him to do – how can he help? He’s been vacuuming in the morning and Saturday he took Jamie on half the errands while I did the other half – his suggestion. He’d put dinner in the crockpot for me right now if I would just call and ask but I’d rather sulk.

So why was I so angry?

I watched part of the Obamas’ interview on 60 minutes last night, and when Michelle was talking about her role as first lady and how she was interested in varies issues, she actually mentioned the work/life balance. I got really excited for a second, because how cool is that? To have a first lady who understands how hard it is? And for both parents? But then I realized that it wouldn’t matter. No matter how much she and Barack understand, it won’t translate into action. It won’t matter to the rest of Washington. It doesn’t matter to anyone but those who are directly experiencing it, and quite frankly, the majority of those people are women. And here is why I was so angry this morning. Because my own husband doesn’t get how hard it is for me to be both the breadwinner and primary caregiver.  Because his request wasn’t a request, and he didn’t even bother to dress it up as such. There was no, “I’m sorry that this will probably make you late for work again, but could you please take Jamie to school?” No, it was an expectation. Because I am the mother, and I always figure it out. End of story, MD’s responsibility, abdicated.

And quite frankly, that pissed me off.

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2 Comments

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  1. LittleWit / Nov 18 2008 11:52 am

    Hugs! I am terrible for parental insight as I have no experience but I will sympathize with you. Perhaps making a very long and tedious honey-do list may make you feel better. Be sure to include scrubbing the toilets/shower. 🙂

  2. MystikMomma / Nov 18 2008 12:09 pm

    I know exactly what you are going through!!!!! I think what made it easier for me is that I didn’t expect much from hubbie. I knew his hours, I knew his time at home was always about sleep, so I just did what I had to do on my own. Of course there were moments when I wanted him to do more. It pissed me off that he worked all the time for less than half of what I earned.

    Now, however, I am grateful that I had that experience and I know what it is that I left behind. Never in a million years did I think that hubbie would be supporting me in a way that allows me to stay at home. Maybe now doesn’t offer a solution, but one day you will look back and see some reason for it all. I certainly see it and think to myself that in the end it wasn’t all bad, it made me stronger, more organized, more productive, because I had to be. I was the one running our home and making it all work.

    The only tid bit I can offer is that it you both sit down and look at the chores… then divide them up so there is no discussion on who does what… that may save some frustration. I don’t know if you have done this or not, but I will say that helped us bunches. I never did his chores and he didn’t do mine. We knew what needed to be done and did it. Again, you may have already done this.
    Hugs and yes it sucks being the one who is holding the bag….Just keep counting your blessings to keep yourself mindful, life will surprise you later on.

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