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September 4, 2008 / allyo

Goodbye

The week my mom went into the hospital, I had two necklaces break while around my neck. Today, we had falling shelves. In the bathroom, and in the refrigerator. As I put the refrigerator shelf back in place, I murmured, “Yes, we’re saying goodbye to you today. Be easy.”

I believe in reincarnation, and I believe that our souls choose what life to live and who to live it with. And I am absoutely certain that C and I had a lot to learn from each other this go round. What, I’m not sure yet. I am still thinking about it. But while we did say goodbye today, she is here, with me. In the wooden spoons I use while cooking on the stove, in over 2 dozen christmas tree ornaments, in my son’s face. The service was perfect, my pastor’s words were perfect – not harsh, but honest – and I felt supported by all those there, whether they were there for me or for C.

I have let go of my guilt. I treated her the same way she treated me – sometimes well, oftentimes badly. I wish I knew her better. There’s something very sad about answering a series of questions about your mother with, “I don’t know.” But even those that knew her best could never understand her actions toward me. However, something I finally understood today is that I am her daughter. The service was tailored around my wishes, my decisions. Her friends, lover, and the girl she loved as a step-daughter were there, but MD and I sat alone in the big armchairs in the front row, reserved for family.  In the end, blood is thicker. Blood wins. And as so many people have counseled me, including my pastor today in his words, it is up to me to take the good away from my relationship with C. and to leave the rest behind. I think I am ready to try.

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4 Comments

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  1. MystikMomma / Sep 4 2008 7:14 pm

    This warms my heart to read some peace in your message. Yes you can choose what you need to do for you. You have earned this as a family member, as an adult as an intellectual woman. This was the hardest lesson for me to grasp in my healing… I can make the choices now for me and what heals my heart. The “shoulds” don’t apply to me. I have to care for my inner child and the adult woman I have become.

    Blessings my dear friend on this day.

  2. dawn / Sep 5 2008 7:33 am

    It was a beautiful service and I was so impressed with your pastor. I felt lucky to be there and hear it.

  3. Jody / Sep 5 2008 12:36 pm

    Oh no. I’ve fallen far, far behind in bloglines and am coming so very late to this news.

    I’m sorry. I’m glad the memorial service was all you wanted. It warms my heart, too, to read what you have to say in this post.

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