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September 3, 2008 / allyo

Ping pong

So, as the two weeks between C’s death and the memorial service Thursday have progressed, I’ve been either disassociated from my feelings to the point of weirdness, or completely consumed with grief, sorrow, what-if’s, and trying to sort this all out. Or I vacillate between the two, sometimes freaking out whoever is witness to the strangeness.

Case in point: last week while at the park with Jamie and some friends, over the phone I told my program coordinator to “use the dead mother card” in dealing with a (relatively minor) work situation. Yesterday, on the other hand, was spent looking for pictures for the service on Thursday. This meant going through all the albums we brought home from her house, and driving out to the east side and back again, stopping at C’s house searching for a particular picture, and the whole time I was trying to make sense of C’s story and how all these pieces, illustrated in photographs, fit together. I was IMing with Kelly in the afternoon about some snarky political upset on one of our favorite hangouts, when abruptly I posted a link to information about major depressive disorder, along with, “My mom had this.” (She rolled with it quite nicely, thanks K). Then later on the phone with my Friend D I had a few blessed moments of normalcy, as we talked about how Jamie did on his first day at his new daycare. Interspersed with the logistics of the after service lunch on Thursday.

Last night I was up late crying, finally letting out everything that’s been building up over the past 10 days or so and feeling quite sorry for myself because MD is not present when he finally gets home from work these days, going straight to bed and more often then not so out of it when I go up that in the interest of not having to deal with any weirdness, I go back down to the couch.

I’m just all over the place. Up, down, all around. If you’re one of the people that I’m ponging (or pinging) to, well, thanks for catching me.

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One Comment

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  1. whylime / Sep 3 2008 11:01 am

    It may suck to hear it, but ping ponging is totally, disgustingly, depressingly normal. It actually sounds like you’re doing a very good job with this whole situation. And maybe MD is also doing his own ping ponging?

    Thinking of you.

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