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June 16, 2008 / allyo


At the start of the new year, I thought that 2008 was going to be special. When MD lost his job in February, I thought – this is it, this is the start of our transitions this year. Things are happening. It’s starting out painful but it will end with transformation. I could feel it in my bones.

There’s been a lot of talk about MD changing careers and going back to school- he’s having a hard time letting go of the current life plan so I am being patient. We have a little time still.

There were a flurry of job applications sent out (for me) a couple of months ago. One was turned down outright (I was qualified but this is a small town when you’re as specialized in your career as I am, nuff said), the other didn’t pay enough and the third, I’m still waiting. It’s in the process within a large, bureaucratic machine. There have been others that I haven’t acted upon. Too scary, too high up, too much. How could I divide my attention further? How could I be so challenged at work and have anything left for home? Home is where I want to be the most, I have to be stingy with my career to be the mother I want to be. But it gives me the excuse to hang back and not take risks. Maybe I could really do it but I am afraid to try.

We’ve had a lot of thunderstorms roll through here recently. I feel as though I am suspended in that moment when the sky darkens and the birds quiet, just before the wind starts to ratchet up, the thunder starts to roll in, and the lightening cracks across the sky. Just as my body feels suspended mid-cycle, right before the monthly wave rolls in. I am eternally crampy, achy, wondering if this is it, is this the beginning of the end? Am I winding down? Are my chances really done?

We had a garage sale this weekend. The weather didn’t cooperate and we packed it in early. Most of the big stuff went – all but the swing and exersaucer. Most of the clothes – “boys’ clothes, NB-3T” it said in my ad – remain. Just enough for another. We wouldn’t use a crib this time anyway. I still have the sling. Where is the magic switch so that MD and I can flip – so he can be the breadwinner and I can stay home?

I wish it existed. I wish I could find it. I wish I knew what was going to happen next.



Leave a Comment
  1. dawn / Jun 16 2008 6:17 pm

    I didn’t know your garage sale was last weekend. Wish I could help you find that switch…

  2. MystikMamma / Jun 16 2008 8:15 pm

    My thoughts… it is greener on the other side of the fence. As a working mom, who got her wish to be home, it is not easy. I struggle every day with boredom, guilt at not doing enough, guilt at spending my husband’s paycheck, guilt at not working, even though I have the advanced degree, guilt at not using my brain to concoct some great work from home gig, guilt…. you get the picture.

    I know you want to be at home and explore things with Jamie. I also realise this is important to you and you should have that experience if that is what you truly want.

    My comments are only to say, that even if you get your wish, there are things that may get in the way of you truly enjoying it.

    Hugs to you as a working mom who is making it work. I applaud you commitment.

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