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May 5, 2008 / allyo

Monday morning

It’s 9 a.m. on Monday and I already feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. Sometimes it seems like simple human interactions are more than I am capable of. On days like this I am disproportionately affected by others around me and by simple, mundane tasks that shouldn’t be that damn difficult.

Tasks like packing my lunch. Or getting through the morning without a screaming fight with my spouse. Or coming to work ready to, dunno, work.

Looking back at my fight with MD, I realize that a lot of it was actually my fault, although at the time I was gripped with the rage of the righteous. But the thing is, if just once he had stopped and said, – I hear you. I hear you saying that you feel like THIS, but in fact, THIS is reality, – then maybe I would have heard him.

I just needed to feel as though he was hearing how I felt.

I just feel a little raw today.

And I know it’s exacerbated by something C said to me when Jamie and I were visiting her yesterday. Something small, harmless, unless you can read between the lines and realize that she still blames the nursing home somehow for what? She can’t blame it for grandma’s death. I guess that grandma was sick in the first place? Because if she blames the nursing home (and me by association), then that means the fact that grandma was half dead when she went into the nursing home isn’t C’s fault.

She’s such a shitty, small little person. And she’s my mother.

I fucking hate that. My mother is a stupid, scared person.

I never want Jamie to feel that way. And yet, I feel my mother’s rage. I get as angry as she does. I say mean things. I can be small, scared, and stupid.

And I can qualify that with more education, more thought in general given to the world around me and to other people, a lack of denial – instead a hyper-awareness of my own failings – oh yes, I can qualify it. But that doesn’t deny the rage I feel. The irrational need lash out, to hurt, wound, maim.

I sound a little crazy, don’t I?

I feel a little crazy today.

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3 Comments

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  1. Monica / May 5 2008 9:43 am

    No, you don’t sound crazy (and I’m an expert on crazy so I know). Heh. It sounds like your mother triggered you and you are still processing everything. It’s not easy. I hope your day gets better.

  2. caro / May 5 2008 10:59 am

    You don’t sound crazy to me. I’m beginning to believe that the rage that feels so singular and awful is really common to just about every parent. But I wonder what makes the difference between parents who end up harming their kids with it and those who don’t. It can’t be that you only succeed if it’s all 100% invisible to them, can it? I don’t know. Hope you’re feeling better.

  3. Mystik Mamma / May 5 2008 12:29 pm

    Take it easy on yourself. You are not perfect…none of us are, so we act human now and then. The fact that you take the time to figure out your feelings makes you a good soul. Take time, process, allow your feelings and move forward. We all can be small minded, hurtful, vengeful it is our defenses acting up. But those of us who step back, look at ourselves and try to do better, well that makes us better!

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