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December 28, 2007 / allyo

Wanting, always wanting

I’m feeling edgy today, neither here nor there, restless, not wanting to be at work (and I’m not) but not really wanting to be at home because it’s a mess, and irritated with MD for all the usual reasons any wife/mother might be irritated with her spouse, mostly regarding assumptions regarding child-rearing.

I had a lovely day out yesterday, although sadly I was alone because Kelly, who was supposed to accompany me on a no-holds barred yarn and craft gorge-fest, fell ill. But not being one to waste an opportunity I took myself to my favorite local restaurant – that MD really doesn’t care for – and ate while reading a book. Then I toured some of my favorite local spots and spent my Christmas money with abandon, ending up at Michael’s with just enough time to spend the gift card my brother got for me there on little odds and ends before picking Jamie up from daycare.

One day. One little day, and I was oh so happy while out and about, but it wasn’t enough. I was talking to my aunt at her shop yesterday and I could feel the unspoken disapproval oozing from her pores as I mentioned I was off from work for 10 days, and how our house was still a mess from Christmas, and what a relief it was to get a break for an afternoon, and how I put my foot down about MD being off on New Year’s eve so we could eat dinner together, and I could see the thoughts tumbling around her brain. How her generation burned their bras so mine could have the glorious option of working and rearing a family. Wondering how all that couldn’t possibly be enough, and why we were still looking for more and better options. It came out it the little shrugs and mentions of how she didn’t have the choice to take time off this time of year and how she truly never got a break and that her errands were run on her lunch or after work, and finally we both realized the conversation was going nowhere and we said our goodbyes.

Why isn’t it enough? Well, we’re human for one thing. Always reaching, always wanting just a little bit more. And because we all want different things. And what a lot of people – even other women, sadly – seem to miss these days is that the wanting is valid. It’s perfectly human for me to linger in the shower, knowing the minute I get out I will have demands placed upon me by every breathing, free-ranging creature in this house. Just as it’s perfectly human for me to loose my annoyance at being interrupted on the toilet because my kid does something charming while doing the interrupting. We are all searching, looking, wanting, even while simultaneously thankful for our many blessings.

Jamie and I are driving to Cleveland this evening for a long overdue visit with a dear friend and I suspect I’ll find what I’m looking for right this minute through that visit. Hopefully MD will be able to drive up tomorrow and join us, and then we’re back Sunday for dinner with friends, and then begins the new year. I feel good about it, the fresh year full of possibilities, and I know I’m starting it in a better place than ever before. And that’s a result of always wanting just a little bit more and pushing forward towards that fuzzy, as-of-yet, undefined goal.

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2 Comments

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  1. Kelly / Dec 28 2007 4:43 pm

    Sorry the sickies prevented me from joining you (combo of flu shot and zoloft-tapering side effects, I fear).

    My 2008 resolution — to try every so often to get past the wanting, not to always have to be right. To be a bit more zen and go-with-it.

    Easier said than done.

    Happy New Year to you , MD and Jamie.

  2. Vienna / Dec 30 2007 3:05 pm

    I totally get how you feel. I’ve been off all week, my house has seen better days, and I haven’t done anything useful and am completely bummed about it. My big excitement for the week was going by myself to Costco to get water and toilet paper. Yay. Don’t get me started on assumptions, though. 🙂

    Also: Kelly! What’s up with the vitamin Z? Are you TTContemplate?

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