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December 26, 2007 / allyo

And a very merry merry to you

Dawn asked me some time ago if parenting Jamie helps make my own childhood hurts better in any way. It really hasn’t for the most part, and in some cases it’s made them worse because until you have a 3 year-old of your own I don’t think you quite realize how awful it is to send one off in a cab, alone. Anyway, I did finally have a moment when I was able to exorcise some of that childhood hurt through a mother/child moment.

I’ve been working on ordering prints of Jamie’s first year – I printed out the first 8 weeks or so way back when and then I went back to work and nothing’s been updated except this blog since then – and putting them in an album so that he can look through them. I’m up to six months (I took A LOT of pictures that first year) and we were putting the last batch in the album together and talking about them and he was totally focused on both the task and the subject, and, as horribly sappy as this sounds, something inside of me unbroke itself.

One of my big hurts has been the lack of proof of my existence until I went to my grandparent’s house permanently around the age of 4. Last year when I lugged a big box full of stuff from my grandma’s house after she died, I reclaimed a bit of that proof in the form of my baptism certificate, correspondence from Children’s Services regarding my placement with my grandparents, and other such odds and ends. That combined with that act of creating Jamie’s history for him healed a hurt that has been festering for years.

I don’t know if that’s the reason why, but for the first time since forever, I emerged from the holidays this year feeling downright…good. No hurt feelings, no feelings of exclusion or not being equal or good enough…sadly, partially because my grandma is no longer around to inadvertently put a knife through my heart…but also because I’ve changed. I’m comfortable in my own skin now. Have I ever felt this way? Ever? I don’t think I have. It’s a huge relief.

Now, that’s not the reason why MD’s aunt upgraded Jamie’s present from a towel last year to a game and a set of blocks this year. There are some things that are completely out of our control. I am just grateful that for once no curve balls were thrown my way, and even more grateful that for once I didn’t create some for myself.

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One Comment

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  1. dawn / Dec 27 2007 3:15 pm

    “unbroke” wow — that’s a startling image. I’m glad these holidays were better than those in years past!!!!

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