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December 5, 2007 / allyo

Details, details

You know how 99.99% of resumes out there include the claim of being “detailed oriented.” Yeah, well, I’ve realized I am not. Whether it’s forgetting where exactly I’m driving to (just for a moment, but still), or misplacing random object, or breaking down big ideas, I just don’t seem to do it well. Yeah, sure, I navigate each day packed with a million and one tiny little tasks to accomplish but that’s no feat. I’m talking about keeping to a budget rather than spouting off lofty program ideas (or lofty personal financial goals). Or, case in point, following a daily devotional program designed to “cultivate stillness in the season of advent.”

I don’t know what the problem is. I haven’t really clicked with our new associate pastor who is leading the class, and I don’t actually own a bible yet (although I can still read the passages) or that this whole belief in Christ thing doesn’t feel quite real yet. I mean, I get Christmas and Easter. They are solemn, joyful times for me. But it’s been years since Christian practice has held any…I don’t know, mysticism for me. Wicca, yeah, but I really need a more conventional, group-oriented practice because otherwise, surprise, surprise, I won’t keep up. UU, not mystical but again, the loftiness is appealing. But the day to day drudgery of prayer is a big weakness.

Which is why I signed up for this class. And I went through the first week ok, although I had to “cram” a little on Saturday. Then I showed up for the class on Sunday and it just didn’t click. And so now I’m dithering and haven’t done a single exercise this week. So, do I quit? Do I slog it out, hoping for inspiration, understanding, something (anything) to strike?

It’s just not enough to go to church and do good deeds and all that. I want to feel it in my bones. I had that feeling once and I’d like it to come back.



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  1. Austina / Dec 5 2007 2:07 pm

    Hmmm, well I would love to chat with you about this. I struggle every day with my spiritual life and after reading your blog, I realize that I think I might have found something. So when we are in each other’s space, I want to share with you somethings that have helped me find that “awe” and still jive with the religious devotion.

    There are so many ways to be religious and spiritual. I think defining both of these for yourself is important. You can have one without the other or you can have both. I have chosen both, for a couple of reasons, L and V. Otherwise, I would just be a spiritual being at this point. But I realize in order to fully embrace the spiritual realm, the religious stuff makes a darn good foundation. So I will provide this foundation for my boys.

    Again, so much to say on this topic and I can’t wait to share some of my recent insights.

  2. Jody / Dec 5 2007 6:43 pm

    I don’t know squat about the devotional program, but I just can’t make small-group study mesh with spiritual fulfillment. The small-group study is good, strong stuff, and I’m glad to do it when I can fit it in, but it doesn’t necessarily scratch the itch I feel at this time of year.

    You know what does? Good hymns (because I’m a Lutheran traditionalist in that one). Good stories about Christmases past, religious and not religious. Good art. Sitting in the half-dark after the kids are gone to bed, staring at our creche and letting my mind wander back, imaging myself into that story. Finding time just to sit with a blank piece of paper in front of me and write out my memories of Christmases past, or my hopes for Christmas present and future, with candles burning and lights dim. (Not too dim, though, that hurts my eyes.)

    We’re reading The Christmas Mystery by Jostein Gaarder now, one day at a time, and although it’s really the first year that the kids have been old enough, I’ve found it a wonderful way to experience Advent ever since I bought it five or ten years ago. It’s a remarkable fairytale.

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