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June 12, 2007 / allyo

Missing

Sometimes the weight of all those I’ve lost, from casual aquaintances to neighbors to great aunts and uncles to beloved grandparents to mentors to my “mother,” weigh on me. I wonder how it’s possible, so many souls gone from my life. How am I old enough to be missing this many people?

Jamie and I have started praying before bed and the prayer I’ve chosen is the first one I ever learned. My grandfather taught it to me, just like he taught me how to say the rosary and how racism is wrong and how to iron a shirt and tie a tie and just generally how to be a good person. He’s been gone for more than twenty years and the ache of missing him is as sharp as ever.

I always come back around to how lucky I really am, to have so much richness and love in my life. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to gather up all those I’ve lost and set them before me so we can have just one, final conversation. There are people that just can’t be replaced and once they’re gone that hole is in your heart and your life forever.

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2 Comments

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  1. Andrea / Jun 12 2007 4:30 pm

    I have been thinking the same thing lately– that the worst part of growing up or getting older is that people start dying on you. My mom died unexpectedly a year ago, and friends seem to think I’ll be “getting over it” now. But I still miss grandparents and others who’ve been dead for years, so how can I just be “done” with mom? It’s so weird to think I’ll never see or talk to them again.

    Anyway, I don’t think I’ve commented before but I do read fairly often. Thanks.

  2. Austina / Jun 13 2007 12:21 am

    Yes the hole is there in the heart for a long time, a life time. I have missed so many and I have to say the crying is still there and the longing to share moments. But then I do think of the people that I haven’t met yet. There are my children’s friends, partners, children, nieces, nephews etc. I will be the matriarch one day and all of these people will look to me. Kinda wierd when you think of the spectrum flowing down from you, instead of up from you, you know?

    Of course I also believe that those before you, as still with you. They follow you in dreams, quiet moments and all you have to do is know they are there. So have that conversation and be open to their response. It may come out of Jamie one day.

    Hugs, from one who has lost more than 26 family members in her lifetime with only more to come.

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