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January 2, 2007 / allyo

2006: the long version

I’ve been writing this post in my head for about a month now and it’s still overwhelming. 2006 was one of those years that (hopefully) doesn’t come around very often. I experienced great loss and processed a lot of painful, powerful emotions. But that’s not what I want to write about. When I look back on this year what stands out is, no matter what difficult and painful things happened, I am in a vastly better place at the end of the year than I was in the beginning. I have a better job, more money, and am on a more emotional even keel thanks in no small part to my pal vitamin Z. I look around my house, the same place that was too small and had so many faults 12 months ago and instead I see a warm cozy home filled with people and creatures and things that I love.

This year has been full of this type of revelation. One day last summer I was smarting from an encounter with my grandma and my mom and as I turned it over and over in my head telling myself I deserved to be treated better than that I realized I was on the road to becoming that sort of person myself. That I often treated my husband as poorly as they treated me and that furthermore, if I was so concerned about treating my child with love and respect well then, didn’t my husband deserve the same? Surely he deserved to be treated as well as a two year old. And suddenly, I was able to see clearly how much MD had changed and that I could relax and trust him. That the other shoe was no longer about to drop. Things aren’t perfect and many days I still feel more like a roommate and coparent but a morning argument over nothing is uncommon rather than an every day occurence.

Or there was the moment when I realized that the thing holding me back from going to church was Christianity’s patriarchal design. That it wasn’t God per se, but God as a man that bugged me. And suddenly I realized how people do it. How they go to church when they don’t agree with every single word or rule. And while I’d been trying to stick to Unitarian Universalism so that Jamie would be exposed to religions other than Christianity, my dear friend Austina told me something during a conversation later that day. She said that as parents, we always have to supplement what our children learn out in the world, whether it is what they learn at school, from their friends, or at church. I didn’t start going to church immediately, but did eventually return.

When I think back to this year I visualize myself walking through a wall of fire. I’ve come out a little singed and worse for wear, but with all the things that have tied me down, all the baggage, burned away. I’m naked and vulnerable, but ready to learn, grow, and give. One of the reasons I started a new blog was to try and replenish some of the positive energy I’ve used in healing this year. I’ve put a lot of pain and negative energy out into the universe (or given it up to God, depending on your perspective) and it’s time to give back a little. My heart is full, my heart is wide, so wide.

Peace and joy in the coming year.

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One Comment

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  1. karriew / Jan 2 2007 6:37 pm

    Happy New Year Ally! What an eloquent post.

    It takes guts to take responsibility for marital issues. I know from personal experience how much easier it is to just point fingers.

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