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September 13, 2006 / allyo

Aftermath, part 1 — updated

Deep breath, blow out. Ahhh, that’s better. First, thanks for all the well-wishes. Monday was a pretty bad day and every time a new comment or email came in it made it that much more bearable. So, the viewing is tonight and the funeral is tomorrow. MD talked to C (mother, first initial, can’t call her mom anymore) on monday and it looks like she’s going to leave me alone. I’m not sure what will happen after this week. I’m not sure how the will reads anymore, since I was effectively written out, but both grandma and C had said grandma’s wedding set was going to me, since C has my great-grandma’s wedding set. C can be surprisingly honorable at times, but I’m not holding my breath. A picture or two of grandma would be nice, and I know I have to go over there at some time and clear out the bookshelves. She had a full wall installed with built-ins and one thing C and I have in common is a love of books. So I know mine have to go to make room for hers, we’ve talked about it before. I don’t know if she’ll keep the same locks or not, but I do have a key and could hopefully get over there when she’s not around.

It’s surreal, dividing up my life like this. Formalizing what’s been in my heart. The pretense had become comforting in a way, but this is for the best. I do feel bad for Jamie, but even more crap has come to light since Monday, things that C kept from me that she should not have, plus the incredibly inappropriate obituary she put together – it all makes me even more resolved. MD too, he was also backsliding after talking to her on monday. She’s so manipulative!! But after the obit, nah. No way.

As far as actually being able to grieve, well, it’s strange. I’ve been greiving for awhile, and spent some time alone on Saturday wailing and howling and sobbing and I think that part may be done. I haven’t even cried much since Monday. I don’t know if I am numb, or what. I am extremely grateful that she is at peace. I wish the last few years had gone differently, but I’m making my peace with it. And as much as C would like it, you can’t erase everything that’s happened prior to the past 10 years. Grandma and I loved each other. Our relationship could be difficult. We’re two headstrong, opinionated, stubborn, bitchy women. I mean, I learned from the best, you know? But we loved each other and I know she loved me right up to the end. We had a couple of opportunities to actually talk alone this summer, luckily when she was at her clearest, and that bond was still there.

Sigh. I’m dreading tonight though. I don’t really get anything out of the funeral home bit. I don’t have any attachment to dead bodies, I don’t do the whole kiss, caress, bye thing at the casket, and standing around playing hostess (in the best of situations) gets old. But I know my family and friends will be there to pay their respects and offer their support. That’ll help me get through it. I’m so lucky to have so much love in my life.

Updated to add: my phone rang about 10 minutes ago, and I thought it was my mom so I didn’t answer (she has a private number so it has a funky ring.) I waited to calm down, and thought that she was calling to ask me to participate as a family member in everything today and tomorrow (you know, get to the funeral home early, that stuff). I rehearsed what I would say and mentally began to rearrange my day. Then, just now, I listened to the message.

I was my aunt, offering her condolences.

I think what is really shocking me the most is that I am not going to be a part of my grandmother’s funeral. That’s the worst thing to wrap my head around.

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3 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. alimum / Sep 13 2006 5:44 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss and for the continued pain caused by the woman who gave birth to you.

  2. Amanda. / Sep 14 2006 8:42 am

    When my grandpa died, I wasn’t even allowed to go to his funeral.

    It sucks. The whole “trying to wrap your head around it” thing.

    Real hugs.

  3. Moxie / Sep 14 2006 9:55 am

    I’m so, so sorry, Ally.

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