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July 5, 2006 / allyo

Walking

My whole diet/excersise plan has been derailed, again, because, uh, I’m lazy. I can make excuses – Jamie started waking up early again! I couldn’t get to sleep last night! – but they’re excuses. So last night I told MD that if Jamie woke up before 7, it was his problem. That’s actually the way our morning is supposed to be structured – Dad is on duty before 7 (and after 6 I guess, since I do all the nighttime stuff), and I’m on duty from 7 until they leave, usually between 7:45-8. We’ve all been running later and later because Jamie’s been waking up around 6:15 and I’ve been taking care of it. Getting his diaper changed, getting him downstairs, etc., while MD gets out of bed. I’ve been doing this off and on since MD fell at Christmastime and hurt his leg, and more recently because his ankle is messed up. (Yes, my husband is falling apart, one tendon at a time.)

But here I am, getting fatter and fatter, and not doing the one thing I always enjoy and always stick with the best, which is taking a walk in the early morning with the dogs. Especially this time of year, when it’s so hot and humid that I break into a sweat just thinking about the 1/2 mile walk to the Y, so a lunchtime workout is out.

So last night I told MD that come hell or highwater, I was walking the dogs. So if Jamie woke up early, he had to take care of it. He agreed. Right on cue, this morning at 5:55 as I was changing into shorts and a tshirt, Jamie woke up, and MD was all like, "He thinks it’s morning, he’ll want to nurse! What do you want me to do??" Uh, I want you to TAKE CARE OF IT! Put him back to bed, get him up, I don’t care. I’m leaving.

And I left. I thought about this exchange the whole time, and knew that I’d come home to a grumpy husband. I was right, but he was pissed because I "slammed the door" just as he was getting Jamie back to sleep. I didn’t slam it, it was warped and swollen from all the freaking humidity and I had to force it shut. Didn’t matter, he was pissed. Especially because I’m always on his case to slam the door.

Something I’ve been trying to do lately is step back from these lovely little conversations and figure out my culpability. What have I done to cause it? Because I’m really good at laying the blame on MD, and I certainly have reason to, sometimes. Other times, it’s the easy way out and it’s not fair. So, yes, I do get on his case about slamming the door when he comes home after Jamie’s gone to bed. Yes, I do go on about it sometimes, because I’ve had to ask him so many freaking times not to. And yes, it rarely  wakes Jamie up, yet I still harp on it. Because it might, because it does occasionally, but most of all, because why can’t he just freaking listen to me?? Oh, and because it puts me in the position of being right and him in the one of being wrong. And I like it like that.

Also, I was feeling a little smug because I figured he wouldn’t be able to get Jamie to sleep and I’d come home to a cranky toddler and a stressed out dad and I’d be able to twist the knife a little more and say, "See, that’s what happens when I’m the one who always handles the nighttime stuff." But no, he got him back to sleep, even with the "slamming" of the door. And it’s clear that on some level I enjoy being the one who "does it all," even though I don’t. Do it all, that is.

So, not only will walking every day be good for my waistline and the dogs’ temperments, but it will be good for me to get out of the house so that MD can handle the morning wake up without me. Because now that we don’t nurse at night, there’s no reason why he can’t handle nighttime wakeups (except for his falling apart issues, of course) especially since there was a time when MD was better at getting Jamie calmed down and back to sleep than I was. So now that we don’t nurse at night, if MD gets into a rhythm with Jamie in the morning, it should help Jamie get used again to someone besides me always handling the nighttime. It just entails me getting out of the way and letting go a little.

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2 Comments

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  1. Amanda / Jul 6 2006 9:13 am

    **And it’s clear that on some level I enjoy being the one who “does it all,” even though I don’t. Do it all, that is.**

    Wow. That was so me when we only had Gavin. Something clicked with Grace, though, and I became more than happy to be the one who does her fair share rather than the one who does it all.

    Truthfully, even though I’ve let go of felling like I have to do it all, I probably still do the same amount of childcare if not more (ok, I do more…. a lot more) but my attitude has changed. I no longer carry a running tally fo what I’ve done and what the husband has done in my brain. I just do. It really makes things much more enjoyable.

  2. MoMo / Jul 7 2006 1:49 pm

    I am really struggling with this too. I have a hard time letting go of certain things (like, say, naptime, bedtime, and everything in between), but I get resentful that I have to do it all. I like your approach — I’ll have to try it.

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