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May 31, 2006 / allyo

Don’t call the divorce lawyer just yet

There’s been some talking and a lot of thinking, and this is where I’m am currently:

  • Financial security is much more important to me than to Mad Dog, mr. keep ’em guessing/ fly by the seat of his pants. I guess this shouldn’t be so surprising, but it is. He often points out that his parents lived paycheck to paycheck and they were always just fine. To which I always reply, ok, but why would you choose that? And his response is that he’s not choosing it, just pointing it out. I’ve always approached life with the attitude that, if you want it badly enough, you make it happen. Therefore, I see his inability to make more money as an indication that he just doesn’t want it badly enough and that’s probably not fair. But I hold it against him.
  • Financial security isn’t just about money to me. It’s about feeling safe, and since I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling not safe, it’s something I want to protect Jamie from. I want him to have a childhood somewhat free of worry, ergo, financial security. That’s oversimplifying things. Safety and security are never guaranteed, and they go far beyond money. But, it’s still important.
  • MD’s schedule means that we can’t parent the way we both want – equally. He’s not here 4-5 nights out of 7, and that combined with his current physical limitations means I’ve taken on the lion’s share of the parenting duties during the week. Thing is, neither one of us want it that way. He’s very hands-on, very committed, thinks a lot about what kind of parent he wants to be and what he wants for Jamie, and is pretty frustrated with things as they are. So he’s hypersensitive to criticism – and frankly, always has been – and sees it where it doesn’t exist. Since I can be incredibly hard on him (and myself, and the entire world), that’s not completely his fault.
  • I continue to be at a disadvantage because of my lack of frame of reference. My grandparents had a freakishly harmonious marriage, and my dad and step-mom, while probably pretty normal, well, I never lived with them. So knowing how low the lows "should" go is difficult for me.
  • I don’t know what happens next. I hate that. I do know that MD is surprising me daily with his willingness to talk even more honestly than ever, and it’s helping me sort through things. I’m still thinking it’s time to go back to counseling.
  • One thing I do know is we need to spend time together as a couple, sans child. Like, now. We keep putting it off because it takes away from family time, but the family is suffering, so we have to put our relationship somewhere back near the top of the priority list.

Man, this is like, hard work. Good grief.

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