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April 3, 2006 / allyo

That deep down queasy feeling

I told my grandma earlier today that she had to be the one to tell my mom that she didn’t want to go home. First, because my mom is already going to think I somehow strong-armed my grandma into this decision, and second, because my grandma can be incredibly fickle, and if she changes her mind tomorrow, or next week, I don’t want to have dealt with the fallout for nothing.

I just got off the phone with my mom and felt a little queasy the whole time, having this little secret that is going to cause so much trouble. I keep thinking of this one time, when I was maybe a freshman in high school, my grandfather had already passed away so it was just grandma and I living in our old house, and my mom was there. We got into an argument, I don’t remember what about, but it got really, really ugly. We were in the kitchen and my mom cornered me, shouting, already weighing about 300 lbs., at one point raising her fist above her head. I was fucking terrified, and my grandma was down in the basement, hiding I guess, the entire time.

Several times my mom and I have gotten into it – that was the worst by far – and I’ve cut her out of my life, only to let her back in because of my grandma begging me to. I’m wondering if this will be the final break, or if my grandma is just confused and will change her mind, or if she’s just toying with me and mom, setting us against each other. I don’t like the position I’m in right now and I find myself wanting to step back and divorce myself from the whole situation, which is what I’ve been doing the past few years, because there is just no way I can win when the two of them are involved.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between adults and their parents, specifically mothers and adult children, and how all of my relationships with my parents – dad, grandma, stepmom, mom – are so messed up, even the good ones. One of my greatest wishes and hopes is that when Jamie grows up, he’ll still love me and that I’ll be a positive force in his life. I’m so lucky to experience this mother/child relationship, one that has never been very present or positive in my own life. My sweet boy, I love him so much and I never want him to feel this sick apprehension at the thought of speaking with me.

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