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July 11, 2005 / allyo

And so it begins

My grandma, to Jamie, last weekend:

“Walk over here to Granny, walk walk walk walk.”

“Now stop that fussing, stop stop stop stop.”

Never taking a moment to celebrate actual accomplishments (crawling, babbling, cruising), always wanting you to do the next big thing? Check.

Expecting only “appropriate” behavior, whatever the hell that means? Check.

As we were driving away, Mad Dog asked me if I was ok (I was really mad at my mom and grandma for other reasons). I said, “Sure, but I couldn’t help but realize, yet again, why I am the way I am.”

I mean seriously, good grief. And whenever I think, maybe she’s not that bad, I realize no one else, no other family member, acts that way. No other family member pouts when we come over with a sleeping baby, not even Mad Dog’s grandma who can be so mean and evil. No, she says, “Let the baby sleep, so how are you?”

Everyone else just enjoys him. My grandma, she wants more. Always, she always wants more.

And I know why she is this way, but it doesn’t make it any easier to sit through, and it doesn’t change how it affected me growing up.

The thing is, you can’t say anything to her. She’ll pout, get mad, act as though you’re attacking her, when all you’re doing is gently pointing out, maybe she should just enjoy the moment. Jamie can’t understand what she’s saying, now, but some day before we know it he’ll be able to. Yet another reason – besides the fact that her house REEKS of cigarette smoke – to limit our visits.

I know she loves him, she loves me. She just makes it so hard sometime to love her back.

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