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June 13, 2005 / allyo

Freakout over, we now return

To our regularly scheduled blogging. So, I took last Friday off and after Mad Dog and the boy left for the day I went back to bed and slept until noon. That combined with several good boy-sleeping nights in a row made for a pretty well rested mom this weekend. Of course last night was a disaster sleep-wise, but it’ll be awhile before I crack up again. I hope.

Now, this next admission may turn off whatever readership I’ve managed to build for good, but here goes. I loved The Titanic. I’m a sucker for Leo’s pretty face and I loved everything about the movie. The right/wrong side of the tracks love story, the impending and inevitable doom, the wrap-around present day story, all of it. We went to see it with some friends and I’m told my sobbing at the end, when Leo’s character dies, shook the entire row of seats.

The scene when the passengers are abandoning ship really got to me as well. I couldn’t imagine leaving my husband behind to die. Even to be with my children. No, I imagined I’d toss my babies onto a life boat and go down with the ship, Mad Dog and I clinging to one another to the very end.

This weekend, even though I felt pretty rested and in a much better mood than I’ve experienced in some time, I still snapped and sniped at Mad Dog almost the whole time. And at some point I thought to myself, that if I had to choose, now I know I’d choose to be with my baby.

That’s not really that big of a revelation, I mean, never having been a mom before I couldn’t understand how the drive to be with your child could override the drive to be with your spouse. But the way I’ve been feeling lately, it’s more than that. I know we need to take some time to be alone, and a lunch/movie date is in the works. I just don’t understand why I can’t pull myself together enough to be nice to everyone except my husband. I guess it’s because I know I can take things out on him and he’ll take it to some extent. He’ll get mad and bitch back if I go to far, but he’ll still be there in the morning. So I guess I am, in fact, taking him for granted. Something he’s been saying for awhile, to which I’ve rejoined with a long laundry lists of things that I do that he takes for granted. But I’m not taking what he does for granted, I’m taking him for granted. A distinction that I’m just getting.

Part of the problem is I have a hard time accepting my reality. If things aren’t the way I want them to be, instead of accepting it and making the best of it, I spend a lot of energy being pissed off about it and imagining life the way I want it to be. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but that one sticking point, MD’s schedule, is still bugging the crap out of me. I’ve got to focus on making our current situation work for me so that I don’t get to the point of nearly breaking down like I did last week.

Balance. It’s so hard to attain, and usually once you do get there, something happens to throw everything off again. If you’re reading this, take a minute to leave me a comment about your own sense of balance, whether you’ve acheived it and how, or how you’re trying to find it.

Oh, and since little by little I’m telling real world folks about this site, they may be wondering if Mad Dog knows about it. Considering I do a lot of bitching about him here. The answer is, yes, he knows but he only reads entries I direct him to. Not by my asking, he just feels this is my personal space and I really need something that’s just mine these days.


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