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June 7, 2005 / allyo


When I picked Jamie up from daycare last Friday he didn’t want to go to me. Miss L, our day care provider’s helper, was holding him and he’d start to go to me, then turn back to her and bury his head in her shoulder. Intellectually, I’d known this day would come, and as Mad Dog said, it would be much more troublesome if he couldn’t wait to get out of there every day. Still, it stings.

Others have been writing about the mother role recently and it’s something I’ve been thinking about myself. Mainly, how much I relish being the mother, my baby’s main source of comfort, even nutrition. I’m usually the one Jamie clings to, and I love it.

I certainly want him to have other relationships and our lives now to some extent revolve around spending time with our families. For their sake, yes, of course they want to be around the baby. But for his sake as well. My mom wasn’t around much when I was growing up. I had other rich, fulfilling relationships – with my grandma, my step-mom, my aunts, and others – and I want that for Jamie. But my mom was such a negative force in my life, the absence of the mother/child relationship was something I felt keenly, and to some extent still do. As my grandmother has turned more and more to my mom for everything – her care and emotional support – the one relationship that I had that approximates that mother/child bond has dissolved. My step-mom, I love her dearly and my becoming a mother has enriched our relationship in ways I didn’t know were possible, but I’m not her child. I didn’t grow up in her house, and what she has with my sister and brother will always be different than what she has with me.

Jamie’s attachment to his day care providers is healthy, and he I don’t doubt that he knows who his mother is. I do believe that he benefits from being around other children and we chose a small, family daycare so that he would receive plenty of attention and have the opportunity to form strong bonds with his care providers. His relationship with them doesn’t diminish his relationship with me.

It just stings a bit, is all.


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