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April 21, 2005 / allyo

One more all about Me! Me! post and then I’ll try to think of something more interesting

I had the nicest day yesterday. It started with a drive to a nearby city (about and hour and half away). It was a beautiful day, perfect for a short trip. I served on a panel, contributed meaningfully to the discussion, and left feeling professionally re-energized. I feel like I’ve been treading water here at my job the last couple of years and it was a good reminder that, while I’m doing a lot of the same things year after year, I work for one of the top organizations in my field and I’m damn good at my job.

We got out early so I was able to go home and clean a little before picking Jamie up. (Yes, my kid’s name is Jamie, this "the Boy" thing is getting tiresome.) We then went to a party at my boss’s house. My coworker’s fiance just published a book of poems and our boss threw her a book party. Mad Dog met us there, I had a yummy martini and lots of catered munchies, our baby charmed the pants off of everyone, and co-worker’s fiance read some truly superb poetry. As Mad Dog and I were leaving, some of my co-workers were sitting on the front porch, drinking, smoking, and hanging out. Two years ago I would have been right there with them and would have made it home much later, slightly tipsy, sans husband. He would have been either a. at work, or more likely b. out drinking. And would have probably lied about being out drinking. A year ago I would have left a little earlier, pregnant, not having drunk anything or eaten half the food. Mad Dog may have been there, may have not (see a. and b. above). So as I pulled away, it felt like I was pulling away from my old life. Some day in the future I’ll be able to drink and smoke again with my friends. But never, please never, will I be as sad, lonely, and depressed as I once was.

I ended the day feeling pretty good about myself and my life. I’ve been beating myself up a lot lately. We’re in fairly dire financial straits and I wish I was further along in my career. I wish I had put an end to MD’s shit a long, long time ago, and that I had gotten therapy for myself sooner and saved myself years of pain. I wish we had had a baby sooner so that a second child was more of a possibility. I wish, I wish, I wish. Ever hear the one about if wishes were horses?

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