I started seeing a new therapist last week which is only relevant to this entry in that we had the usual first “getting to know you” appointment during which I talked a great deal about my family history. (She was very impressed by just how sane I am, heh.)

Another point of relevance is that I’ve been thinking a lot about over-protectiveness as a parent and how to find a sane balance between keeping the precious kiddo safe and allowing him (and me!) some freedom. I’m reading this book that talks about how we’re more safe today than ever but the perception of danger is disproportionately high. And we’re reading Ramona the Pest at bedtime and did you know? She walks to school by herself in KINDERGARTEN! I think if someone let their kid do that these days they’d be reported.

So MD and I are talking in bed Saturday night and for some reason I’m talking about coffee. Oh right, I mentioned that Sbux had lowered their price for a small coffee and raised the prices for the other 2 sizes and how that made me v. happy because I always get a small (in a grande cup so I can drown it with milk). Blah blah, I have this much money in my pocket so I can go Sunday before church and Monday and Tuesday at work. For some reason he asks, “Where is Jamie when you’re getting coffee before church?” Which, WTF? MD is insanely overprotective and it’s not unusual for us to clash on what are safe and sane boundaries but why that thought even crossed his mind I don’t know. I was busted though because for the past few weeks I’ve let him stay in the car while I ran in. He’s a) always within sight and b) it’s a stupidly safe neighborhood and c) we’re talking about 5 minutes max. MD says it’s illegal (cites an example from 15 years ago in a different Ohio city) and I’d better be careful.

I get really really pissed, cross words are exchanged and I finally get out of bed to google the shit out of the topic. I’m not going to redo the search but all my googling turned up was state bill to make it illegal to leave a child under the age of 5 in the car alone. I didn’t search any further so I don’t even know if the bill even passed but went back to bed triumphant and smug.

Then at church the next morning all the kids, preschool through 6th grade, sang during worship. Afterward the preschool group went out one way and the older kids went out the other but after they’re all gone I hear this “Mommy?” and there’s Jamie halfway to the door on the wrong side looking scared and confused. I go to him and he’s about to burst into tears so I pick him up and carry him out and he cries on my shoulder while I pat his back and tell him it’s ok. I tell him I know it was scary to get separated from the group but that church is a safe place and the grownups there are friends and will always help him if he needs it. He calms down, we go back to the preschool room. I’m feeling indignant – not mad- but peeved that no one noticed my kid was missing. When we walk inside the room I joke “Whoops, you lost one!” and the teacher says, laughing, “I’m sorry Jamie.” Well, Jamie turns around and walks back out and starts crying again because he thinks she’s laughing at him.

Instead of acting like an adult and calming him back down and having him go back in, I say, let’s go home. He agrees, we go back to the sanctuary and I’m immediately regretting saying we’re going home. Friend D calms me down, and I realize I’ve overreacted yet again. We did stay for the rest of the service and afterwards I explained to Jamie that Miss K was not laughing at him, she was laughing at herself for making a mistake. We went back to the room and she immediately apologized for losing him and for laughing and they hugged and all was well.

The thing is, I told the therapist last week that I have a lot of confidence in my abilities as a mother. It’s true. I think if you search the archives here you’ll find very little in terms of self doubt as a mom. You’ll find guilt and aggravation and a dose of self-deprecation but the thing is, I know what a bad mom looks like and I ain’t it. So when MD acts like I’m not being careful enough, I go to that place where my mom left me in a parking lot with friends when I was 3 and my very first memory of watching her being taken away by the police for shoplifting. Leaving my kid in the car for 5 minutes at the coffee shop can’t touch that.

On the flip side, one of Jamie’s biggest fears is separation from MD and I. It’s something he’s been afraid of before he could talk and has had very emotional reactions to shows or stories or books depicting lost children or parents. Since I know this loss first hand I tend overreact to situations like the one in church.

We talked about memory at therapy and I told the therapist that I don’t really have a set of memories as a child. I have moments that I remember very clearly but overall when I think of my childhood I think of loneliness. I can sit and concentrate and bring up specific memories that are neutral and happy, but I have to make an effort. The feelings overshadow everything else.

Those childhood experiences can haunt us even when we’ve moved on. Even when we’ve forgiven those involved. To me the day to day is so much less important than the overall tone. Yeah, I yell at my kid sometimes although with the help of this book I’m doing it a lot less lately. What’s important is that he feels safe. But it needs to be a safety that isn’t stifling, and that’s a challenge these days. It feels a lot like swimming upstream.

Maggie is a bit camera shy but MD snapped this great picture the other day. It’s cell phone quality, but her personality comes through.

Miss Maggie Mae, HRH Princess Muddy Paws

She’s pretty much back to her old self but still a little anti-social. Many nights we have to coax her off her bed to come downstairs and hang with us while we watch tv. I definitely miss the days of two dogs snoring in syncopation by our feet.

Stream of conciousness catch up:

• Health: I was sick last week. Like, flu-ish sick. And now I’m out of sick days. Until May 1st. Whoo!
• Money: is teh suck. I added up how much income we’ve lost since June due to my pay cut and furlough days, increased insurance premiums, the cluster fuck that was MD’s summer schedule, and his 5 1/2 week layoff that starts on Thanksgiving, and basically, we’re short almost 5 mortgage payments. Which puts our extreme behindness on bills into a little perspective.
• Money: see above. I’m dreading trying to buy Christmas presents. Gulp.
• The offspring: challenging. Jamie’s been, um, mouthy. (My grandma is somewhere laughing.) My hope is he puts his talents to good use by going to law school and taking care of us in our old age because at this point we won’t have any retirement to speak of!
• The offspring: ummm…challenging. He’s been hitting me again and one day last week when I was well enough to at least be upright on the couch I found out that the Supernanny agrees with MD’s way of dealing with it. I was watching a mom with her 6 yo son with ADHD (Jamie doesn’t have ADHD but I figure he’s a year younger so it kind of evens things out) and it was like watching myself. She was calm, until she finally had had enough and was like,  you don’t get to treat me that way, go to your room, picking the boy up to go to his room, he’s screaming, she’s starting to yell, oi. It was almost enough to make my hair curl it was exactly the way things play out here. Supernanny was very fixated on not taking it personally and being the grown up and therefore the one that has to change the pattern and worked with the mom to change the situation and it was basically, have compassion and realize his feelings are overwhelming. When the Supernanny is advocating a softer touch than me, then well, I pay attention! So far, it’s working.
• The offspring: I loves him. We were talking about the Where the Wild Things Are movie and he’s decided it’s too scary for him to watch. It’s only been recently that he’s been ok with reading the book. He’s such a bundle of strong emotions and any talk of separation from parents, me especially, freaks him out. It occurred to me recently that that is actually awesome, as by his age I had experienced that type of loss many times over and he’s known nothing but security. And yet, it’s still one of his biggest fears. No wonder I eventually needed lots of therapy.
• Discipline: we’re getting it. And as usual, it’s greatly due to watching other parents in action. The first time I heard Friend D calmly ask one of her kids, “You’re about to lose a privilege, which one would you like it to be?” it was like a light bulb went on! That and the first chapter of How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so kids will talk have helped me immensely. MD is on board in theory but god, he’s so, like controlling. He can’t leave Jamie alone long enough to give him a chance to catch up an get to doing what he’s supposed to be doing.
• Work: is ok but frustrating. Looking forward to the holidays for a change of pace.
• Me and MD: missing the red dog but treating each other well. Talking a bit about how to keep him from spiraling into a fit of bah humbug depression due to layoff and general grumpiness around Christmastime. Yeah, I loves him too.
• Speaking of the spouse: tonight his snoring is so obnoxious he sounds like a moose looking for a mate. Thank GOD for earplugs!

I just had a conversation with Jamie about Cory that was prompted by a) his incredibly surly mood even after – finally! – a full night’s sleep, his first since the time change, and b) the fact that he was clutching this framed picture of Cory that he had asked to be printed and framed in the first place. I asked if he was missing Cory and he said  yes and we talked about how much we all missed him and what specifically we missed. His answers: “because he was my friend,” and “hugging him.” With his big ruff around his neck, hugging Cory was like hugging no other dog and burying my face in his fur is one thing I miss as well.

We talked a little more about the vet coming over, and he still didn’t quite understand why we euthanized Cory so I talked more about cancer and how it makes your body not work very well and how his arthritis was getting so bad that his body hurt everywhere, all the time, and that medicine couldn’t help anymore (ooh, just occurred to me that we may want to talk about how, while MD’s body hurts all the time, the vet won’t be coming over for him anytime soon). I also told him that he could always talk to me about things that were making him sad, and how that was a better choice than just being grumpy because if he didn’t tell me what was wrong I couldn’t help him. Kind of like the pre-K version of, “I can’t read your mind you know!” Then we looked at Cory’s puppy album and now he’s watching Diego, which he seems to do when he’s sick or needing something familiar.

I had a dream about Cory the other night. I was down in the basement and he was just hanging out in the corner, waiting for me. He was  young again and I was like, “THERE you are!” and I petted him and it was very nice. I have still been struggling with the actual act of euthanizing him. I’ve been getting a panic attack every time I think about the vet injecting the anesthesia into his leg, but I think I am working through it. I am now able to see just how sick and uncomfortable he was now that we’re a week out. We’ve been reminiscing and looking at old pictures and my heart breaks a little for the happy, active, healthy dog he once was. MD and I have been supportive and kind to each other and we are coming through this as a family. However, Jamie mentioned my grandma o this morning as someone else he missed, and I do have to say, this saying goodbye thing is getting a little old. Motto for 2010? Let’s all stay alive!

This is our first low key Saturday in a long time and now that I’m not a) cleaning up dog pee and b) jumping every time I hear a noise that remotely sounds like liquid hitting the floor (you’d be surprised how many things sound like this once you’re on the alert) and c) letting Cory out every 20 minutes so I don’t have to deal with a) – well, I’m cleaning other things. It’s amazing how well I can see the other dirt that’s just been waiting for my attention. The last 2 weeks Cory was with us I was incredibly stressed out about the state of things around here and earlier this week I looked at the carpet cleaner that had been out at the ready for days and realized I could put it away. What bittersweet relief.

Smell my feet!

Holy crap!

What a week!

That’s Jamie’s pirate sneer there. Terrifying, eh?

So, last week. Never again, I hope, I pray. Thursday was my birthday and I had the day off for reasons that were then canceled so I found myself at home on a gorgeous day with my two dogs, one of whom would be dead the following evening. Or so went my train of thought. I took some pictures of Cory, including the one from the last post and others of him stalking the tomatoes for the last time and that’s pretty much how the day went. Last day at home with two dogs. Last evening. Then last morning, last dinner, and then it was over.

Having the vet come to our house and having us all present was the best choice for us. Jamie is fine, has expressed sadness and compassion for MD and I, and refers to Cory frankly and openly when appropriate in our day to day lives.

MD and I, on the other hand, fell apart a bit. It’s not just that Cory was with us for almost 14 years, it’s the particular 14 years he witnessed. We were broken up when he first came home with MD, then less than 2 months later we were back together and I had moved in. He lived in 2 apartments with us and our first (and current) house. A brush with almost-divorce. Jamie’s birth, several deaths. He was a constant source of comfort and aggravation and I want him to still be here in the same way that I want my grandma to be here. His death is one more loss from the time that used to be and as I also turned 39 last week I am acutely aware of the fact that I am not as young as I used to be.

One thing that I am extremely grateful for is that Cory lived long enough for Jamie to remember him. It’s a nice linkage between that life we used to have and the one we have now.

One thing that I was not prepared for was how quickly it would go in the end. The vet came to our house, petted Cory, we moved down to the family room where MD and I sat on the floor and the vet gave Cory a sedative. “A whopping dose” that did nothing (stubborn dog). So we ended up holding Cory down a little, although his head was in MD’s lap. Within 30 seconds of the second injection containing an overdose of anesthetic, Cory was unconscious. It took about 1 minute or 2 for his heart to stop. I think it was because the sedative didn’t work, but it felt so abrupt and I spent a day and a half thinking I hadn’t kissed and hugged him goodbye until MD found out what was making me so upset (besides the obvious) and told me that I had.

Every day is easier and I keep reminding myself that he was SICK. And even though MD and Jamie both want another dog (as my Friend D said, “That’s age appropriate for JAMIE) I have said no. We can talk about it this time next year but for the time being I need a break. And Maggie needs to learn how to be the only dog. She’s been acting a little lost and has been spending most of her time on our bed and has been VERY quiet. This morning, though, she seemed a little more energetic. We’re going to have to help her a bit and that’s enough for now.

Cory

12/26/95 – 10/30/09

Picture taken 10/29/09

The vet is coming on Friday to put Cory to sleep. This time there won’t be a reprieve, although a part of me has always believed that Cory would live forever. He’s obstinate like that.

After receiving this great advice at Ask Moxie, I decided to follow my instincts and have Jamie present. MD is ok with it, although I don’t think he would have thought about it without my prompting. MD is a little weirded out by it happening at our house, but I think he’s grown comfortable with the idea. This is the first time he’s had to experience a pet being put to sleep even though he always had dogs growing up. One of his dogs was hit by a car and the others “went away.” For real though I guess.

My stepmom is absolutely beside herself over this and is convinced that we will scar Jamie for life and I’ll regret this decision later. She tried to drag my sister into the argument by saying how traumatized she was when they put their first dog to sleep. My sister was much older and they waited far too long to have the dog put down, and besides, my sister told my stepmom to not put her in the middle. And to drop it. Heh.

I had a bad experience with a childhood dog as well. And that’s one of the reasons I want Jamie to experience this now. Cory is almost 14 years old, he’s dying at home surrounded by those that love him most. I think that’s a good experience. Hard, yes, but traumatizing? Please. Maybe with an extremely sensitive child but Jamie reacted to the news exactly the way the vet said he would. A few crocodile tears, protests of, “I love Cory and I don’t want him to die!” and then, “Can we get a puppy? Just a medium sized one.”

The other reason we’re doing it this way is that I find it really hard to sugar coat things with Jamie. I was kept in the dark about a lot of stuff when I was a child and sure, a lot of it was inappropriate for me to know. But I’d be better off today  if I had been given more information about things that affected me. And quite frankly, how is it less hard to come home one day and find your pet gone?

Anyway, I’m not trying to say this is the very best way. We all make the choices that feel right to us. And this feels right. No matter how much it pisses my stepmom off. Who is so stubborn that she’ll never admit I’m right.

MD and I are grieving pretty hard. We’re taking turns though so that’s good. Taking care of a sick pet is exhausting. The last few days have been really bad with 4-5 accidents in the house daily. We’re limiting his water intake which means he will feel even worse, but otherwise we’d be drowning in pee.

If I sound disconnected it’s because I am. I want to try and enjoy these last days if at all possible. I’ll cry plenty when he’s gone.

Jamie is typically very well behaved when we are out of the house and around other people. Other people’s houses, restaurants, etc. This was even true when he was a baby – on his worst days at home the best thing to do was to always leave the house. Usually, he perked right up. So with MD working nonstop this week I took him along with me to knit night on Weds for a bit. I was reminding him of the restaurant rules, and telling him to be good while I ran out to the car to get something and was getting a little mild ribbing from a couple of the Knit Gang. “He was good before, he’ll be good now.”

So, I ran out to the car and then Jamie and I went and waited in line to place our order. And when we got back to the table I was able to tell the Gang that even though he was being a perfect angel at the table, when the two of us were on the other side of the divider he was busy making fart noises with his mouth against my ASS. While we were ordering.

Oh yes, perfect angel. Heh.

That’s me sighing with relief that this week is almost over. There are lots of VERY IMPORTANT events happening at the college MD works at this week and he’s been going nonstop along with the rest of the team there and people that have flown in from all over the country to get the food ready for today and tomorrow. He always works late Sunday and goes in at 7 am on Monday, so Jamie always goes from Sunday morning until Monday evening without seeing him. But this week, even though MD did make it home for dinner on Monday, he and Jamie went Tuesday and Wednesday without ever crossing paths. Yesterday MD did make it home right before bedtime, but it’ll be tomorrow evening before Jamie sees him again.

This has caused some anxiety in our boy, as life was like this for a long time until last winter and it made him miserable. Which of course makes him an absolute joy to be around. This week hasn’t been THAT bad, but by last night, Jamie and I were totally sick of each other and while he was glad to see MD, he didn’t want to go to sleep because he knew it would be a few days before they got to see each other again.

Here’s hoping this weekend goes smoothly. We have our big semi-monthly extended family birthday celebration at my Dad’s house on Sunday and MD is thankfully off for this. I am really looking forward to spending some time with my aunts and cousins. I actually just saw them a couple of weeks ago but my anxiety levels are high right now and I could really use some love and noise around me.

Now, let’s just hope that no one else in Jamie’s room at daycare gets the flu, otherwise their trip to the pumpkin patch will be cancelled on MOnday. The fall festival that was scheduled for tonight has already been postponed (my guess is it won’t be rescheduled) due to the flu.

My boy is turning 5 tomorrow! I’m trying to figure out how to talk about him without dissolving into a little puddle on the ground. Sure, he’s mouthy and stubborn and opinionated. He’s in super bossy mode these days, telling me with a smirk in his voice, “I KNOW you’ll do [whatever it is I just asked you for and you said no] RIGHT NOW.”  But as a parent who remembers just how bossy and opinionated a small person can be, even as I gnash my teeth and smack the kitchen counter with my hand in frustration I am, deep down, absolutely delighted by his confidence.

His latest thing is prat falling. At soccer practice this week they were practicing dribbling, and every time he circled the cones he’d collapse, waving his arms and legs madly. At bathtime he doesn’t tell me if the water is hot or cold, he does an interpretive dance. He holds his arms out and flutters his fingers down for too cold and up for too hot. If it’s just right he tilts his head back and sighs an exagerated, contented sigh.

He’s a chatterbox. When we were on vacation in Pennyslvania we went on a canoe ride. Mystik Mama’s cousin and his family were vacationing as well and her older son L rode in a canoe with his cousins. We had Jamie and V in our canoe. They are two weeks apart and great friends but quite different in many ways. Jamie didn’t stop talking once while we were paddling down the river. He was a great narrator, describing every tree, stone, wave, other canoe, how quickly/slowly we were going…his voice is high and sweet but after 20 minutes or more of it going nonstop, well, you have to laugh or your ears will bleed. At one point when he paused to breathe, MM asked V if he was having a good time. “Yes,” was all he had to say. Jamie started in again and MM and I had a good laugh.

He’s loving and affectionate and snuggly and I often think about his future partner and children and how lucky they will be.

He’s charming and gorgeous and so often when we’re together and Jamie is just is just brimming with humor and joy and life, Mad Dog and I will catch each other’s eyes and we’re both thinking, “How? How did that happen? How are we so lucky?”

Happy birthday my sweet boy. Thank you for choosing us. I love you.

Mom(my)*

*I think it should be against the law for a child in the single digits to refer to their mommy as MOM!! Especially when MD is still daddy.