Hi there. How are your holidays going? I am swinging between WHEE! it’s Christmas and holy crap, STRESS.

Most of the stress is work related and maybe I’ll talk about that another time. The other thing on my mind is that we’ve experienced a hiccup with MD’s first unemployment check which should have been deposited earlier this week. He’s taking care of it and we should get a back payment soon and he is on track to receive his payment next week on time but good grief, it’s CHRISTMAS y’all. Any other time of year we’d hunker down and get through the next few days but we have stuff to bake and potlucks to attend and the last of our gifts to buy.

SIGH

Not a joyous entry so far, eh? Well, I am going to choose a glass half full approach and each day until the end of the year I am going to try and post something positive here. First up, this photobook I created at Shutterfly which we’ll hopefully be able to order by the regular shipping deadline (tomorrow) as gifts for the grandparents and one of Jamie’s great aunts. If not, they’ll be new years gifts. Either way, I realized when I was putting this together that we didn’t really take a lot of pictures this year but what we have tells the story of the year as Jamie experienced it – full of joy.

I know there’s a way to embed the book here, but I’m tired and a little cranky so here’s the link. Password is wildman.

Heard in the parking lot at Trader Joe’s:

Jamie – Mentally dividing his strip of TJ’s stickers between himself, MD, and me. “That’s 3 for me and two for each of you!”

MD – “You realize he just did subtraction/division, right?”

Me – “And he’s been doing simple addition since he was 2 1/2. He’s probably gonna be kinda good at math.” (I know he’s not a genius, but he does have a knack for the numbers.)

MD – Pride.

Me – “You realize that means YOU are going to be helping him with his homework, right?”

MD – “…right.”

1. MD and I had FIVE days off together. We really, really needed that. Day 1 (Weds) was spent getting comfortable again being alone with each other and had more than it’s fair share of picking and sniping and then we fell back into our groove more or less.
2. Family. We couldn’t afford to visit MD’s brother & family in Nashville this year so it’s been one whole year since I’ve hugged our niece and nephew. Our time together was short but we made the best of it and Jamie had so much fun – as always – playing with his cousins.
3. The weather. It was warm enough for us to explore my MIL’s property a bit on Thanksgiving. We took a walk through the woods, albeit a short one as there were hunters in the area, and explored the creek. When I was growing up Thanksgiving always meant hours of play outside after dinner and it was fun to have a chance to do that this year. We usually run off to my aunt’s house after lunch at my MIL’s but this year we stayed put for the day.
4. The food. I made a rockin’ pumpkin cheesecake thanks to Abby. This potato dish (sans pancetta) was ok but would have been better had I had time to taste it before putting it in the oven. It really needed extra salt and pepper. I will say I missed my family’s food (and leftovers!) but overall, it was a great meal.
5. Early Christmas. We exchange gifts with the Tennessee relatives on Thanksgiving so there was a mini flurry of opening presents after dinner. I love watching people open stuff and Jamie got some great things that he’s been playing with nonstop.
6. A clean house. BIL and fam came over Friday for lunch so I spent time all week cleaning the house. It’s our first thorough clean in awhile, and it was bittersweet knowing that the reason the house could actually be so clean was because Cory was no longer around. But I am still enjoying it and it’s in pretty good shape for Christmas decorating, which will start this week. We don’t spend a day doing everything, we ease into it at our house.
7. Movies! I went to see New Moon with a couple of friends and while there were some oops-laugh-out-loud-even-though-this-is-a-serious-moment moments I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
8. Birthday party! Our string of birthday parties remains unbroken with the party of a family friend at this place. Jamie had a blast, and I was able to stop by for a bit before heading over to Dawn’s for a…
9. …Toy exchange! I had a great time, but I always do at Dawn’s because as she said, she knows some pretty awesome people. It was great to get rid of some stuff (I won the “brought the most crap” award), especially things like Jamie’s old kitchen and tricycle and knowing who they were going to and knowing they’d be loved some more. Also fabulous was leaving with only a few items that Jamie will be getting for Christmas. Big super thanks to Dawn’s husband Brett for taking the rest…somewhere. I think either Goodwill or the curb!
10. Laziness! We skipped church on Sunday, which probably wasn’t the best call after all because we’re going to miss the next two weeks for other reasons but it was nice to have a lazy morning for a change. I set my alarm the other 4 days of the 5 day weekend but yesterday? We slept until 8:15. Luxury, and I’m amazed Jamie let us. Just goes to show how exhausting all that fun can be.
11. A new camera! We put together a gift card from my sister, a donation from MD, a contribution from me, and a little from the grocery budget and managed to get a new point and shoot camera. I’ve been borrowing my sister’s since Jamie’s bday and I’m very  happy to have my own so I can give hers back. Also? My sister rocks.
12. My family. As much as I sometimes crave alone and friend time, I can’t think of any better way to spend the holidays than with my little family. I love who we are together. It’s just a dream come true that this is my life.

Dawn has a great post about how the book How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk and how it changed her life.  It’s working the same type of magic on me but for slightly different reasons. It affirms the way that MD and I already instinctively parent and gives us actual tools to use to stay true to our ideals and to Jamie. The tools are open ended – the book is laid out like a workbook with fill-in exercises and cartoons – so it doesn’t lead you to a foregone conclusion that the authors have decided is the right one.

But the thing that I can’t get over is that it gives you, as the parent, the permission to have feelings. The stories about parents using these technique aren’t about perfect automatons that parrot back the approved statements. They yell! But they do it constructively. They find creative and non-threatening ways to tell their kids to leave them alone so they can make dinner or dammit, I’m having a really bad day!

This is so freeing for me. I have a loud voice (MD does too). And when my patience runs out, I yell. I feel as though I have the right to the occasional bad day, and that my child should know when he’s skating on thin ice. The flip side is, there are ways of dealing with your kids that  help to minimize the yelling and this book does that too.

For MD it’s finally conveyed the message that it’s important for the parent to acknowledge the child’s feelings before saying it’s ok, don’t be so upset, etc. This has been a big issue for us because he moves straight to fixing before the Jamie (or his wife, heh) is ready to hear it. What he doesn’t realize is that all it does is add to the stress levels of the person upset. That’s another thing this book does, it asks the parents to think about what their children are actually hearing and whether it is the same message that the parent is trying to convey.

It’s just an awesome book all around and I’d say it’s appropriate for those with kids as  young as 2. I’ve known about it since it came out but for some reason I always thought it was for older kids. In fact, as Dawn’s post illustrates, it works with interactions between adults as well.

I started seeing a new therapist last week which is only relevant to this entry in that we had the usual first “getting to know you” appointment during which I talked a great deal about my family history. (She was very impressed by just how sane I am, heh.)

Another point of relevance is that I’ve been thinking a lot about over-protectiveness as a parent and how to find a sane balance between keeping the precious kiddo safe and allowing him (and me!) some freedom. I’m reading this book that talks about how we’re more safe today than ever but the perception of danger is disproportionately high. And we’re reading Ramona the Pest at bedtime and did you know? She walks to school by herself in KINDERGARTEN! I think if someone let their kid do that these days they’d be reported.

So MD and I are talking in bed Saturday night and for some reason I’m talking about coffee. Oh right, I mentioned that Sbux had lowered their price for a small coffee and raised the prices for the other 2 sizes and how that made me v. happy because I always get a small (in a grande cup so I can drown it with milk). Blah blah, I have this much money in my pocket so I can go Sunday before church and Monday and Tuesday at work. For some reason he asks, “Where is Jamie when you’re getting coffee before church?” Which, WTF? MD is insanely overprotective and it’s not unusual for us to clash on what are safe and sane boundaries but why that thought even crossed his mind I don’t know. I was busted though because for the past few weeks I’ve let him stay in the car while I ran in. He’s a) always within sight and b) it’s a stupidly safe neighborhood and c) we’re talking about 5 minutes max. MD says it’s illegal (cites an example from 15 years ago in a different Ohio city) and I’d better be careful.

I get really really pissed, cross words are exchanged and I finally get out of bed to google the shit out of the topic. I’m not going to redo the search but all my googling turned up was state bill to make it illegal to leave a child under the age of 5 in the car alone. I didn’t search any further so I don’t even know if the bill even passed but went back to bed triumphant and smug.

Then at church the next morning all the kids, preschool through 6th grade, sang during worship. Afterward the preschool group went out one way and the older kids went out the other but after they’re all gone I hear this “Mommy?” and there’s Jamie halfway to the door on the wrong side looking scared and confused. I go to him and he’s about to burst into tears so I pick him up and carry him out and he cries on my shoulder while I pat his back and tell him it’s ok. I tell him I know it was scary to get separated from the group but that church is a safe place and the grownups there are friends and will always help him if he needs it. He calms down, we go back to the preschool room. I’m feeling indignant – not mad- but peeved that no one noticed my kid was missing. When we walk inside the room I joke “Whoops, you lost one!” and the teacher says, laughing, “I’m sorry Jamie.” Well, Jamie turns around and walks back out and starts crying again because he thinks she’s laughing at him.

Instead of acting like an adult and calming him back down and having him go back in, I say, let’s go home. He agrees, we go back to the sanctuary and I’m immediately regretting saying we’re going home. Friend D calms me down, and I realize I’ve overreacted yet again. We did stay for the rest of the service and afterwards I explained to Jamie that Miss K was not laughing at him, she was laughing at herself for making a mistake. We went back to the room and she immediately apologized for losing him and for laughing and they hugged and all was well.

The thing is, I told the therapist last week that I have a lot of confidence in my abilities as a mother. It’s true. I think if you search the archives here you’ll find very little in terms of self doubt as a mom. You’ll find guilt and aggravation and a dose of self-deprecation but the thing is, I know what a bad mom looks like and I ain’t it. So when MD acts like I’m not being careful enough, I go to that place where my mom left me in a parking lot with friends when I was 3 and my very first memory of watching her being taken away by the police for shoplifting. Leaving my kid in the car for 5 minutes at the coffee shop can’t touch that.

On the flip side, one of Jamie’s biggest fears is separation from MD and I. It’s something he’s been afraid of before he could talk and has had very emotional reactions to shows or stories or books depicting lost children or parents. Since I know this loss first hand I tend overreact to situations like the one in church.

We talked about memory at therapy and I told the therapist that I don’t really have a set of memories as a child. I have moments that I remember very clearly but overall when I think of my childhood I think of loneliness. I can sit and concentrate and bring up specific memories that are neutral and happy, but I have to make an effort. The feelings overshadow everything else.

Those childhood experiences can haunt us even when we’ve moved on. Even when we’ve forgiven those involved. To me the day to day is so much less important than the overall tone. Yeah, I yell at my kid sometimes although with the help of this book I’m doing it a lot less lately. What’s important is that he feels safe. But it needs to be a safety that isn’t stifling, and that’s a challenge these days. It feels a lot like swimming upstream.

Maggie is a bit camera shy but MD snapped this great picture the other day. It’s cell phone quality, but her personality comes through.

Miss Maggie Mae, HRH Princess Muddy Paws

She’s pretty much back to her old self but still a little anti-social. Many nights we have to coax her off her bed to come downstairs and hang with us while we watch tv. I definitely miss the days of two dogs snoring in syncopation by our feet.

Stream of conciousness catch up:

• Health: I was sick last week. Like, flu-ish sick. And now I’m out of sick days. Until May 1st. Whoo!
• Money: is teh suck. I added up how much income we’ve lost since June due to my pay cut and furlough days, increased insurance premiums, the cluster fuck that was MD’s summer schedule, and his 5 1/2 week layoff that starts on Thanksgiving, and basically, we’re short almost 5 mortgage payments. Which puts our extreme behindness on bills into a little perspective.
• Money: see above. I’m dreading trying to buy Christmas presents. Gulp.
• The offspring: challenging. Jamie’s been, um, mouthy. (My grandma is somewhere laughing.) My hope is he puts his talents to good use by going to law school and taking care of us in our old age because at this point we won’t have any retirement to speak of!
• The offspring: ummm…challenging. He’s been hitting me again and one day last week when I was well enough to at least be upright on the couch I found out that the Supernanny agrees with MD’s way of dealing with it. I was watching a mom with her 6 yo son with ADHD (Jamie doesn’t have ADHD but I figure he’s a year younger so it kind of evens things out) and it was like watching myself. She was calm, until she finally had had enough and was like,  you don’t get to treat me that way, go to your room, picking the boy up to go to his room, he’s screaming, she’s starting to yell, oi. It was almost enough to make my hair curl it was exactly the way things play out here. Supernanny was very fixated on not taking it personally and being the grown up and therefore the one that has to change the pattern and worked with the mom to change the situation and it was basically, have compassion and realize his feelings are overwhelming. When the Supernanny is advocating a softer touch than me, then well, I pay attention! So far, it’s working.
• The offspring: I loves him. We were talking about the Where the Wild Things Are movie and he’s decided it’s too scary for him to watch. It’s only been recently that he’s been ok with reading the book. He’s such a bundle of strong emotions and any talk of separation from parents, me especially, freaks him out. It occurred to me recently that that is actually awesome, as by his age I had experienced that type of loss many times over and he’s known nothing but security. And yet, it’s still one of his biggest fears. No wonder I eventually needed lots of therapy.
• Discipline: we’re getting it. And as usual, it’s greatly due to watching other parents in action. The first time I heard Friend D calmly ask one of her kids, “You’re about to lose a privilege, which one would you like it to be?” it was like a light bulb went on! That and the first chapter of How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so kids will talk have helped me immensely. MD is on board in theory but god, he’s so, like controlling. He can’t leave Jamie alone long enough to give him a chance to catch up an get to doing what he’s supposed to be doing.
• Work: is ok but frustrating. Looking forward to the holidays for a change of pace.
• Me and MD: missing the red dog but treating each other well. Talking a bit about how to keep him from spiraling into a fit of bah humbug depression due to layoff and general grumpiness around Christmastime. Yeah, I loves him too.
• Speaking of the spouse: tonight his snoring is so obnoxious he sounds like a moose looking for a mate. Thank GOD for earplugs!

I just had a conversation with Jamie about Cory that was prompted by a) his incredibly surly mood even after – finally! – a full night’s sleep, his first since the time change, and b) the fact that he was clutching this framed picture of Cory that he had asked to be printed and framed in the first place. I asked if he was missing Cory and he said  yes and we talked about how much we all missed him and what specifically we missed. His answers: “because he was my friend,” and “hugging him.” With his big ruff around his neck, hugging Cory was like hugging no other dog and burying my face in his fur is one thing I miss as well.

We talked a little more about the vet coming over, and he still didn’t quite understand why we euthanized Cory so I talked more about cancer and how it makes your body not work very well and how his arthritis was getting so bad that his body hurt everywhere, all the time, and that medicine couldn’t help anymore (ooh, just occurred to me that we may want to talk about how, while MD’s body hurts all the time, the vet won’t be coming over for him anytime soon). I also told him that he could always talk to me about things that were making him sad, and how that was a better choice than just being grumpy because if he didn’t tell me what was wrong I couldn’t help him. Kind of like the pre-K version of, “I can’t read your mind you know!” Then we looked at Cory’s puppy album and now he’s watching Diego, which he seems to do when he’s sick or needing something familiar.

I had a dream about Cory the other night. I was down in the basement and he was just hanging out in the corner, waiting for me. He was  young again and I was like, “THERE you are!” and I petted him and it was very nice. I have still been struggling with the actual act of euthanizing him. I’ve been getting a panic attack every time I think about the vet injecting the anesthesia into his leg, but I think I am working through it. I am now able to see just how sick and uncomfortable he was now that we’re a week out. We’ve been reminiscing and looking at old pictures and my heart breaks a little for the happy, active, healthy dog he once was. MD and I have been supportive and kind to each other and we are coming through this as a family. However, Jamie mentioned my grandma o this morning as someone else he missed, and I do have to say, this saying goodbye thing is getting a little old. Motto for 2010? Let’s all stay alive!

This is our first low key Saturday in a long time and now that I’m not a) cleaning up dog pee and b) jumping every time I hear a noise that remotely sounds like liquid hitting the floor (you’d be surprised how many things sound like this once you’re on the alert) and c) letting Cory out every 20 minutes so I don’t have to deal with a) – well, I’m cleaning other things. It’s amazing how well I can see the other dirt that’s just been waiting for my attention. The last 2 weeks Cory was with us I was incredibly stressed out about the state of things around here and earlier this week I looked at the carpet cleaner that had been out at the ready for days and realized I could put it away. What bittersweet relief.

Smell my feet!

Holy crap!

What a week!

That’s Jamie’s pirate sneer there. Terrifying, eh?

So, last week. Never again, I hope, I pray. Thursday was my birthday and I had the day off for reasons that were then canceled so I found myself at home on a gorgeous day with my two dogs, one of whom would be dead the following evening. Or so went my train of thought. I took some pictures of Cory, including the one from the last post and others of him stalking the tomatoes for the last time and that’s pretty much how the day went. Last day at home with two dogs. Last evening. Then last morning, last dinner, and then it was over.

Having the vet come to our house and having us all present was the best choice for us. Jamie is fine, has expressed sadness and compassion for MD and I, and refers to Cory frankly and openly when appropriate in our day to day lives.

MD and I, on the other hand, fell apart a bit. It’s not just that Cory was with us for almost 14 years, it’s the particular 14 years he witnessed. We were broken up when he first came home with MD, then less than 2 months later we were back together and I had moved in. He lived in 2 apartments with us and our first (and current) house. A brush with almost-divorce. Jamie’s birth, several deaths. He was a constant source of comfort and aggravation and I want him to still be here in the same way that I want my grandma to be here. His death is one more loss from the time that used to be and as I also turned 39 last week I am acutely aware of the fact that I am not as young as I used to be.

One thing that I am extremely grateful for is that Cory lived long enough for Jamie to remember him. It’s a nice linkage between that life we used to have and the one we have now.

One thing that I was not prepared for was how quickly it would go in the end. The vet came to our house, petted Cory, we moved down to the family room where MD and I sat on the floor and the vet gave Cory a sedative. “A whopping dose” that did nothing (stubborn dog). So we ended up holding Cory down a little, although his head was in MD’s lap. Within 30 seconds of the second injection containing an overdose of anesthetic, Cory was unconscious. It took about 1 minute or 2 for his heart to stop. I think it was because the sedative didn’t work, but it felt so abrupt and I spent a day and a half thinking I hadn’t kissed and hugged him goodbye until MD found out what was making me so upset (besides the obvious) and told me that I had.

Every day is easier and I keep reminding myself that he was SICK. And even though MD and Jamie both want another dog (as my Friend D said, “That’s age appropriate for JAMIE) I have said no. We can talk about it this time next year but for the time being I need a break. And Maggie needs to learn how to be the only dog. She’s been acting a little lost and has been spending most of her time on our bed and has been VERY quiet. This morning, though, she seemed a little more energetic. We’re going to have to help her a bit and that’s enough for now.