Birthday time-out

Ok, I have a wee bit more to say about the country’s financial mess, but I am going to take a time-out to say happy birthday to me! I almost did this by posting pictures of my offspring, but stopped myself because if there is any day of the year that I should focus on me, today is it.

Oh, 2007, I had big hopes and dreams for you. I thought for certain this would be the year that both MD and I made the next steps in our career. Instead MD has moved backwards and we are still treading water financially. Death has been a big part of this year as well, what with C, my mom dying suddenly in August and my Grandma O diagnosed with terminal cancer.

No, instead of big changes, this past year has been about endurance. It’s been about trusting my husband and in the strength of our marriage. It’s been about loving and enjoying Jamie, about watching him grow into his own, distinct personhood. It’s been about friends and simple pleasures – potlucks, picnics, playdates, and knitting night. I’ve met new friends, strengthened existing friendships, and reconnected with friends from the past.

I am 38 today. I’m not sure what 38 is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I feel and look a little too matronly, too tired, to worn. I miss my freedom, the ability to call a friend at 4:30 on a Tuesday and say, “You know what? It’s been a crappy day. Let’s have a drink.” I wish I was better at impromptu playdates or weekend gatherings with friends. I’ve told MD repeatedly that I want to entertain more, and yet, I often lack the motivation to actually make that happen.

In my 38th year I want more. More time with my husband and my friends. More fun with Jamie. More money. More career options. As I was writing this a coworker popped in to wish me happy birthday and asked me if I was ok (I do not have a poker face, as much as I kid myself). Our conversation eventually reached a point it’s reached with many people regarding career – what about freelancing? The freelancers I know in Columbus in my field are full to bursting with work, and apparently the market is “ripe” for more. It would be a process – I’d have to juggle both full time and freelance work for the foreseeable future but it would at least be an alternative escape plan.

I’ve done much better this year at taking control of my future but there is still follow-through that needs to happen. And I am going to do even better at enjoying every day, at living in the moment, and at being grateful for all that I have.